O.K., everyone, let’s crisscross applesauce our legs and put our hands in our laps. Jakey, hands in your—no, Jakey, in your lap, not Henry’s lap. Henry gets to decide whose hands go in his lap. O.K.! Great! So, can anyone tell the class the name of the special room we’re in? Sorry, what was that, Harper? Uh, no, we’re not in the basilica. That’s a big word, though—good for you! Anyone else? That’s right, Gertrude! We’re in a kitchen! Can anyone guess why we’re in the kitchen? It has to do with what we’ve been talking about all week. Does anyone—Jacob! Hands in your own lap! Does anyone remember—JACOB. Do I need to get the stickers? Thank you, Jakey; that’s better. So, does anyone remember what we’re studying this week? No, sorry, Harper, it’s not basilicas. Dylan S.? Yes, that’s right, bread. Today, we’re going to make some bread, because it’s Thursday, and for some godforsaken reason we’ve decided to make Thursday Cooking Day this year.
What kind of bread, Panacea? That’s a great question! Can we all snap for Panacea for asking such a gre—Jakey, please come back and sit down. Jakey! Crisscross applesauce! JACOB. Thank you, Jakey.
Wait, Henry, where are you going? Why are you crying, honey? Oh, you’re scared of bread? That’s not what I was expecting. Could you tell Ms. Natalie why? Because you saw your papa punch bread dough one time? Oh, dear, that does sound upsetting. But there’s seriously no way I’m going to try to make bread dough with all y’all, so don’t worry! No punching! Come on back. Thank you, Henry. Snaps for Henry and Panacea.
Class, we’re going to use a bread-maker! Now, Miss Lara, she said that using a bread-maker is kind of cheating, but I don’t think it is! I think Miss Lara should mind her own business! Here’s the bread-maker—you can see it’s heavy and very white, very pretty. Which is not to imply that things that are white are prettier than other things—uh, anyway!
Would you like to touch it? O.K., one at a time, you can stand up and walk over and touch it. Carlisle, you first. Panacea? Melodylynn? Dylan S.? Dylan P.? Dylan S. P.? Great, I love how you’re taking turns! Henry, how about you? O.K., yes, you and Jakey can touch it together. Oh, that was great, that was very brave. Jakey! Why did you punch the bread-maker? Oh, I see, you were protecting Henry. Hmm, that seems both well-intentioned and difficult to allow. Since there are no other adults in the room, because Mr. Kenny called in sick again today, I’m going to let it slide. Did everyone get to touch the bread-maker? What was that, Harper? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Jakey, stop! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. O.K.! Well, I didn’t know that about flying buttresses. Thanks, Harper! Snaps for Harper, whose dads must have bought her a book about church architecture, everyone.
Here’s a box of the ingredients we’ll need to make bread with my bread-maker. There’s flour, baking powder, sugar, and yeast. Can anyone guess what the last ingredient I’ll need is? It’s in this kitchen. What do you think, Dylan S.? Aww, love is very important! That’s true, I should always cook with love. But I was thinking of something a little more practical.
Nope, it’s not chocolate chips, Morgan, although I’m sure they would be very good in bread.
Nope, it’s not strawberries, either, but that’s a good guess, Panacea. You’re on fire today.
Not real fire, Henry, it’s an expression.
What? Frogs? No, Alithia! Not frogs, gross.
Henry, please come back, I promise that we won’t put frogs in our bread. I promise.
Water! The last ingredient we need is water! Water is very important! Remember when our theme of the week was water, and we went to the water park, and we had a water-balloon battle, and we painted with watercolors? Really? No one remembers that? It was literally last month. Wow. O.K. Well, anyway, it’s water.
Who would like to measure out the flour? Melody, come on up. Sorry, Melodylynn. I apologize, Melodylynn. Your mom is right—we should always have our names said the way we want. And again, Melodylynn, my name is Ms. Natalie, not Miss—well, that was close. Good try.
Great job measuring, Melody . . . lynn! Now we’ll put the sugar in. Who’s sweet enough to help me with the sugar? Dylan P., come on up! Oh, Henry, I didn’t mean to imply that everyone else isn’t sweet. You’re all equally sweet and beloved by . . . wait, where’s Jakey? Has anyone seen him? Jakey? JACOB!
Bianca, why are you pointing at the refrigerator? Is . . . is . . . Jacob in the . . . oh, thank God, no. But where is he? Takeysha, why are you giggling? No, please don’t pout, it’s fine to giggle, giggling is a wonderful sound, but I was just wondering if maybe your giggling had anything to do with Jakey—oh, you were just remembering something funny on “PAW Patrol.” Fine, O.K., Takeysha.
So, class, this is no big deal, but has anyone seen Jakey, because . . . uh, I really want him to measure out the sugar for us! That’s a good job for Jakey!
Again, Henry, it’s not that you aren’t also sweet. Morgan? Why are you staring fixedly under the counter—A-HA! Jakey! That’s where you’ve been!
Yeah, you sure did surprise me. I am really fu—very surprised. O.K. Let’s get back to the bread. Wait, where’s the sugar? It was—hey, why do so many of you look like you just ate a sugar donut? Melodylynn? Dylan S.? Dylan P.? Dylan S. P.? Bianca? HENRY? Did y’all eat that sugar? What’s behind your back, Morgan? Did y’all eat like a QUARTER OF A POUND OF SUGAR?! Ms. Natalie is being very loud because she’s WORRIED! DID YOU? Yes, Harper? Uh-huh, I’m going to stop you right there, Harper. This may not be the best time for me to learn the difference between the transept and the quire.
I’m just going to take this bag of sugar and hold it in my lap, and we’re all going to play a game I just made up called Look at Your Hands. That’s it, that’s the whole game. Ready? One, two, three—look at your hands!
I am crying a little bit, Morgan, yes. Just a little bit. I’m a little sad because I miss Mr. Kenny so much. O.K., if you want to sing “Let It Go,” that would be nice, sure. Oh, you’ll all sing? Oh, that is actually really nice. I love you guys very much.
So, everyone, when Miss Lara said that the bread-machine was a bad idea, I decided to also buy a bag of croissants at the grocery store. They’re bread, too. Sometimes when we have Cooking Day, it’s more about appreciating that we can buy what someone else cooked for us than cooking ourselves. They’re on the counter. Gertrude, could you get those for us? That’s right. My God, Gertrude, I would be a hot mess without you—you are an amazing four-year-old.
And who would like to get the butter? Dylan S. P., good job. Let’s have a picnic on the floor of the kitchen! Won’t that be fun? Now, who wants butter on their croissant? Yes, Harper, I did know that croissants are French. No, I didn’t know that the word “croissant” means crescent. . . . Let’s have snaps for croissants.
Wait. Where’s Jakey?
From “Why Did I Get a B?: And Other Mysteries We’re Discussing in the Faculty Lounge” by Shannon Reed, to be published by Atria Books.
