Culture

The Anti-Masker’s Guide to Acceptable Halloween Costumes


This spooky season, some extra creativity may be required to find costumes for you and your family that don’t have the unintended effect of limiting the transmission of the coronavirus via unrestricted aerosols and droplets—or, as we anti-maskers like to call them, “First Amendment snot.” To help you out, we’ve compiled a list of costume ideas and have graded them, because some of us—believe it or not—are teachers!

A Handmaid from “The Handmaid’s Tale”

A solid option, with the exception of the Handmaids who got their mouths sewn shut with metal rings. (That looks almost as uncomfortable as wearing a mask!) Just opt for the indoor bonnet, as the larger ones can act as an eye shield. B

Ariel from “The Little Mermaid”

Sure, why not? We have absolutely nothing against mermaids. A

Batman

You could do a lot better. The mask leaves the mouth free, but it does cover the nose—the opposite of how we like to wear masks in situations where we’re forced to. C-

The Devil

Nice try. The devil takes many forms, including the form of people who wear masks. D+

Orgy Participant from “Eyes Wide Shut”

You probably thought that we were going to give this one an F. Virtually every character in the orgy scene wore some kind of mask, and the one with the beak not only covers the nose and most of the mouth but also forces social distancing. However, increased orgy-related aerosolization offsets all of these protective measures, so it’s probably a wash. C+

Ted Lasso

No, thank you. That mustache is like a HEPA filter unto itself. Also, he calls soccer “football.” C-

Darth Vader

Obviously, no. He was the principal subject in the breakthrough study we often quote, which suggests that mask wearing makes you breathe bad. F

Dominic Toretto’s Dad Before He Dies a Blazing Race-Car Death in “F9”

Although his helmet doesn’t prevent his gruesome demise, it does include a face shield. F

Dominic Toretto as He’s Dropped from an Airplane in “F9”

No helmet whatsoever—good to go. B+

René Magritte’s “The Lovers”

Draping thin linens around your face probably won’t do too much in the way of risk reduction, especially if you’re making out, but we’re uncomfortable with the messaging behind it, which is pro-hygiene. D

Catwoman

On the one hand, Catwoman’s go-to headgear is a mask. On the other, it’s, like, fifty per cent forehead coverage and doesn’t even touch her mouth. B

The Phantom of the Opera

Ditto, but we’ll grade it lower because France has a mask mandate. D

Chuckie from “Rugrats”

As far as we can tell, no masks here. Plus, Chuckie already seems to be suffering from a chronic upper respiratory infection—so bonus points. Do we wish that he wore contacts instead of eyeglasses? Sure. But, then, we also wish that Chuckie’s dad would hurry up and remarry to supply his son with a mother figure. B+

Chucky from “Child’s Play”

Unless you’re relying exclusively on makeup, it’s a pass. D-

Morgue Employee on Any TV Show Ever

They just don’t ever wear masks, like, ever. A

Zombie

Yes, unless you’re making a metaphorical point about the transmissibility of the novel coronavirus. B

Stanley Ipkiss from “The Mask”

Although this was literally a movie about a mask, as far as we can tell, said mask did not cover a single human orifice and, in fact, caused the wearer’s eyeballs to bulge out of his skull, thereby exposing him to the coronavirus even more effectively. A

Don Draper

The only masks he wears are emotional. A-

The Grim Reaper

It’s surprisingly hard to tell whether he’s wearing a mask under that hood, so we’re actually not sure, but we’ll do some research and get back to you! Grade T.B.D.


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