WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining her decision to quit as Secretary of Education with only twelve days left in Donald J. Trump’s term, Betsy DeVos said that “twelve days are three weeks too many.”

“In this case, I did what I always do when I have to make a decision,” DeVos told reporters. “I did the math.”

DeVos said that she took out paper and pencil to figure out “just how many weeks twelve days really is. It was basic geometry.”

Once she realized that twelve days was the same as three weeks, “I decided I couldn’t stay that long.”

As she packed up her office, she said that she was proud of her tenure as Secretary of Education. “I started in 2017, and now it’s 2021,” she said. “It’s been a great six years.”



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