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Holiday gatherings will undoubtedly look different this season. If we all follow the pandemic-informed health guidelines, Thanksgiving and the winter holidays will be void of the traditional parties packed with friends and family. For some, this is a missed opportunity and for others, it is a welcome reprieve.
Remarkably absent this year will be small talk with the neighbor who corners you at the dessert table, or the inquisition at the punch bowl from the great aunt who you see once a year. Even connections with close family and friends are likely to be limited or remote. For many college-bound high school students, this could be just the holiday they were hoping for. In normal times, they might be attempting to simply survive the season—enduring endless questions about admission, their college list, and their future. This year, young people have more agency over these conversations. When that family Zoom gathering turns toward this topic, they can more easily redirect or maybe claim a poor WiFi connection and beat a hasty retreat!
For other high school students, the pandemic might mean a lost opportunity to make a connection with an adult in their life who could have asked the right question at the right time. Undeniably, Covid-19 has disproportionately impacted low-income and first-generation college students, who often do not have the same support systems and access to counseling as their more privileged and well-resourced peers.
If you have a high school student in your life, this year provides an opportunity to be more intentional about your line of questioning. Here are some tips, both to avoid being “that” relative or neighbor who dampens the holiday cheer, and to empower you to be the concerned adult a young person might need.
Don’t make assumptions
Just because a student is a senior in high school doesn’t mean continuing to college is inevitable. Instead of immediately asking questions about college plans, you might engage young people in other meaningful ways. There are many post-secondary pathways, so be careful not to impose your expectations or worldview on the student in your life. Jenifer Lippincott is an author of “7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You: And How to Talk About Them Anyway”. She points out that “in an era when so few things are certain, the if/why/when/how related to college sits squarely in the uncertain column for many families.” She adds, “while holiday gatherings remain a time to check-in and catch up, rather than assuming, try meeting them where they might be on that front with something like: “What are your thoughts about post-high school? There are so many different options now…”
Debra Johns, an associate director of undergraduate admission at Yale University, agrees, saying “the natural progression of college does NOT have to happen right after high school. Lots of gap year students are finding that out.” She adds, “there is a lot of need in the world, and young adults are finding out that they can plug into this need pretty easily. In their hometown, in their state—working, volunteering, military service, community involvement—there are so many choices beyond traditional four-year college.” Johns says, “sometimes, entering college at 18 is not ideal for everyone. Maturity, work, etc. can be awesome for some kids.”
Gary Clark, director of undergraduate admission at UCLA highlights other pathways, saying “for those students for whom college attendance is not a foregone conclusion, I think talking about the community college/transfer process can be helpful. Community colleges are more affordable and allow students to attend part-time while they determine what their focus might be for the future. Whether it is through a community college, trade school, apprenticeship…the idea is to stay intellectually engaged and maintain that eagerness to grow and learn in whatever path you choose for your future.” He adds, “even if circumstances require that you work full-time right after high school, think about how you can continue to support your growth for the future while doing what is needed for the present.”
Ask permission
First and foremost, you must consider whether to ask about college admission, or not. Bear in mind that many students have already submitted early applications and at Thanksgiving could be waiting on pins and needles for a decision. Later in December they might have just received that decision and be dealing with disappointment. You will not automatically know where a student is in the process, or if they want to discuss it, so ask. Before you launch into a slew of college-related questions, simply ask if they are up to talking about their college applications or if they would prefer another topic. Honor their choice. They might rather discuss their sports season, robotics project, volunteer role, or just their favorite TikTok video.
Others may not be thinking of college at all, or could feel that affording and earning a higher degree is unattainable given their circumstances. According to the Common App, as of November 16, applications from first-generation students were down 5 times more than students with a parent who went to college. Jenny Rickard, the president and CEO of Common App, says that “with many high schools having moved to remote learning, students, teachers, counselors, and administrators are less likely to interact with one another in the informal, organic ways they did before. There’s no running into one another in the cafeteria or stopping by an office on the way to class.” She explains, “we know that mentors make a difference, particularly for first-generation college students, encouraging students to pursue a college education and helping them navigate the process to get there. This year it will be particularly important for adults to be very proactive and reach out to the young people they know who might need that encouragement and help.”
Consider your questions
Know your audience and adapt your approach accordingly. Your line of questioning makes all the difference. Lippincott suggests that “if your goal is a meaningful conversation (rather than satisfying your curiosity), try handing them the reins by asking a more open-ended, but authentically sincere and curious question like, Tell me what’s occupying your attention these days? or I know these are strange times we’re living in, what’s one thing that’s surprised you about it? And then listen…they’ll take you where they want to go and appreciate you for being interested. And, it might even lead to the college topic.
Yale’s Debra Johns says, “I think asking any questions about changes to admission this year causes kids anxiety. Focusing questions on things they cannot control and that have changed right under their feet, would cause any kid to worry. Focusing on the loss, the difference, or the change, I think is very unhealthy and creates angst.” She advises that “friends, family, and peers should focus on the present and the good things that are happening about senior year.” Questions like “what is the coolest thing you are learning about in your classes? Or, I hear your theater group is performing virtually – how did you do that?”
Eva Blanco Masias, Vice President for Enrollment Management at Santa Clara University agrees, suggesting, “I would avoid questions related to the process of applying to college, such as, ‘Did you take the SAT/ACT, have you visited, have you interviewed…?’ and instead focus on conversations related to topics of hope and possibilities. The pandemic has been extremely challenging for everyone and the future depends on all of us to reimagine and rebuild. Students and youth in general, have shown to be particularly resilient and determined to make our world better.” She recommends asking, “What are your hopes and dreams? How have your aspirations and plans changed over the year? And perhaps most importantly, how can I help?” Masias adds, “this could be a great start to a meaningful connection that endures and ultimately helps students navigate college pathways that may seem insurmountable.”
Jim Rawlins, director of admissions and assistant vice president for enrollment management at the University of Oregon, proposes alternatives for the questions that typically are asked. He says, “this year more than ever, students seem more stressed, whether due to the pandemic or other reasons. Some of that stress is rooted – as always – in feeling pressured to make choices and have answers, versus feeling empowered to have choices and continue to explore their options. For that reason, try only asking questions that let them share their thoughts rather than feeling like they have to have answers.” Some examples he gives are:
- Instead of asking “where are you applying?” ask something like “what are you looking for in a college?”
- Instead of asking “what are you going to major in?”, say something like, “What are you hoping your college time will help you be able to do after you graduate?”
- Instead of asking, “where have you gotten in?,” try something like, “Are there any colleges where it’s already looking like a good match?”
- Instead of asking, “Do you have a top choice yet?,” try, “Colleges give you time to choose among your offers. What are you going to expect from them to help you make that choice?”
Rachelle Hernandez, the senior vice provost for enrollment management and student success at The University of Texas at Austin highlights the role of mentors, community members, or a caring adult in a young person’s life. She says that the most important question may be, “Would it be okay if I helped and encouraged you to take the next steps to make sure that college is an option for you to consider after you graduate from high school?” Hernandez points out that “students may not know what those steps are, but they do need to know that you are willing to help support and guide them along the way. And having someone—a concerned family member, a mentor, or a friend—helping the student explore their options, encouraging them to submit at least one or two college applications, will go a long way to ensuring that a student doesn’t fall into the opportunity gap.” She adds, “there are lots of websites that provide free resources, students’ high school counseling offices provide key information, and students can and should feel comfortable contacting their local college or university to ask for help in determining the steps they need to take to ensure college is an option next fall.”
Withhold judgment
Accept that your perspective on specific colleges, majors, careers, etc. may very well be outdated. The university that was the “party school” or “safety school” when you were 18 years old, is likely an entirely different place 30 years later. Rawlins says, “it’s never a good idea to compare the answers they give you to what sibling x, cousin y, or the child of a friend z, is doing for college unless they specifically ask you. Even then, maybe you should resist saying too much.” He adds, “the minute you say anything along the lines of ‘why aren’t you considering [super-famous school]’ or ‘why aren’t you applying to [the college you went to and loved]’, you make them feel like you’re comparing their ideas to yours or someone else’s. The best respect you can show them is to root for whatever they’re trying, and wish them the best with it!”
Know when to quit
Follow their lead. Even if students concede to talking about college, know when enough is enough. UCLA’s Clark recommends that families limit conversations around college. He says, “pick a day or a time where you chat about college but don’t let that be the only thing you and your family talk about with your student during this time. The holidays are a welcomed break for them as well…let them decompress a bit.” Rawlins adds, “keep in mind, students have to wonder whether their freshman experience is going to even be ‘back to normal’ versus what this year has been like.” He tells family and friends that “if you’ve heard rumors out there, they might or might not hold any truth – so don’t even repeat those to your student; it accomplishes nothing but increasing their stress, and can’t be anything more than speculation.” He points out that “students don’t get to choose what is going on in the world during 12th grade. They get the year they get. So, resist the urge to compare what they’re experiencing this year with what you remember from your experience or that of someone else in the family in some other year. Or if you can’t, keep it focused on telling them you are sure they’re navigating this year better than you could have – and build them up!”
Lippincott says, “from a very young age when children are asked that favorite grown-up question, ‘How was your day?’ they begin honing the simple one-word answer that shuts down all further flow: ‘Fine.’ Over time, adolescents adapt this tactic to myriad lines of questioning, including those regarding college. So if you want more than the ‘fine’ equivalent answer to a question about college, try asking about them, personally, how they’re feeling, doing, thinking. They might then feel just fine about sharing more.”
For college-bound students navigating holiday conversations, Lee Coffin, the vice provost for enrollment & dean of admissions and financial aid at Dartmouth College advises that “the best response to inquiring relatives is to tell Uncle Joe, ‘I’m pleased with my options,’ and leave it at that.” He adds, “own your search and politely sidestep their well-intentioned, but uninformed, opinion about your college search and the applications you are preparing.” It probably works better than “fine” and will send the message that you have this under control and could use a holiday break. For friends and family, know that your thoughtful choices about whether or not to engage students in these conversations over the holidays could make all the difference in a season of giving and gratitude.
