Oh my gosh, I just got the save-the-date for your wedding. It’s happening! And what a coincidence that you two chose to get married in the Berkshires—I might already be up there that weekend with my girlfriend, Sophia. Well, to be honest, we’re not using labels yet, but we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months, and I’m pretty sure we’re “exclusive.” We don’t have fixed plans for our trip, so it shouldn’t be a problem for one or both of us to attend the festivities.
No, you haven’t met Sophia. That was Maggie the night we got dim sum. This thing with Sophia, though, it’s going so well. I could have sworn I mentioned her to you guys. I guess you could say it’s serious. You know what? Now that you mention it, yes, we’re serious. Very serious. She’s such an important part of my life, I’ve even thought about deleting my dating apps.
You would absolutely love Sophia. She doesn’t eat much, she can handle her liquor, and she’s great at getting things going on dance floors. I’m not sure why those are the first attributes that come to mind, they’re just the kinds of things that made me fall for her in the first place, along with how photogenic she is—without ever overshadowing the people around her in pictures—and how good she is at chatting with strangers. This may or may not be relevant, but her last name is Kozlowski. That’s K-O-Z-L-O-W-S-K-I.
I’m beyond happy for you two. I’ve felt so close to you both ever since we met. And now look at us, finally finding our people. Well, sure, you guys have been together since high school, but still. I would do anything for you, and I know you would do the same for me and Sophia, once you meet her. Who knows, maybe in a couple years, Sophia and I will be inviting the two of you to our wedding.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m super excited for your big day, but I have to admit I’m a little nervous that I won’t know anyone. I always feel so awkward at these kinds of things—it would be reassuring to know that I have someone to talk to while you guys are off doing wedding stuff. Otherwise, I’ll probably end up flanking you guys throughout the entire reception, fair warning.
I almost forgot to mention—I know exactly what to get you, if I can afford it. Hopefully, I’ll have someone to split the cost with. If it’s only me, though, I guess I could settle for the third-cheapest item on your registry. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those tacky people who would do something like buy the second-cheapest.
Did I mention how serious Sophia and I are already? O.K., cool. If it comes down to it, I feel obligated to mention that Sophia and I are a lot closer than Duncan and Christina. I guess I understand if Duncan needs to bring Christina because he’s the best man, but you do have to consider her quality of life when she’s stranded alone at a table all night without her husband. And, between you and me, I heard they’re going through a rough patch.
Anyway, I’m sure you guys have a ton to plan, like finalizing the guest list and whatnot. I know how hard this stuff can be—my sister got married a few years ago. I wasn’t involved in any of the planning per se, but I remember hearing her argue with my parents about who should get plus-ones, so I can relate to the pressure you must be feeling. Remember: make a rule for who gets one and stick to it. And also remember that I’ll be travelling a long way, buying a gift, and getting my suit dry-cleaned.
