Culture

What’s the Worst that Could Happen?


Trying a New Cuisine

After taking your very first bite, you find out that you not only love flürb but are gravely allergic to it, and have to be taken to the hospital, where you make a miraculous (and expensive) recovery that leads to a long, sad life without your favorite Scandinavian fusion pastry.

Asking Your Crush Out

They say no because they already have plans to go mini-golfing with your worst enemy, but they don’t specify which mini-golf course they’re going to, so you have to avoid all of them, even though the big regional tournament is coming up and you could really use the practice if you want to stand a chance at qualifying for nationals like you promised your dad you would on his deathbed decades ago.

Wearing a Vest

Someone asks where the rest of your shirt is.

Jumping Out of an Airplane

The only in-flight entertainment is the church channel and, when you finally escape the economical banter with an ecumenical twist of “Nun of Your Business with Sister Mary Margaret,” you find that your parachute has been feasted on by moths, and there isn’t a trampoline in sight.

Starting a Business

Everyone is mean to you on “Shark Tank,” even Lori.

Buying a Used Car

While flying down the highway on your way to a meeting you’re twenty minutes late for, it becomes remarkably clear that the previous owner was joking, or perhaps even lying, when he said that the car looked mauve when it wasn’t moving but became invisible, especially to cops, when driven at top speeds.

Going Back to School

You hit the books hard to become the top neurosurgeon in the country, which leads to your abduction by an otherworldly species that needs you to perform a risky procedure on their leader’s glowing cranium in exchange for them sparing your life and relieving your student debt when they determine it’s time to come out from the abandoned Circuit City they’ve been hiding in to take over the rest of the Earth. But all of that pressure makes you nervous, and you mess up so bad that you get covered in luminescent goo.

Learning How to Play an Instrument

No matter how hard you try or how many accessories you buy, you never get good enough at the guitar to play in front of your friends, but, every time they come to your house, they say, “I didn’t know you played guitar!” or, “Where’s your guitar? I want to hear you shred!” until you finally think to hide it in the back of your closet next to the harpsichord.

Opening a Wax Museum

Concerned about competition—even though you’re really doing your own thing by focussing exclusively on British singers from the nineteen-nineties—Madame Tussaud sends her goons over to stamp your Seal into a seal and turn Mel C. into Mel T.

Joining a Club

Your community-service group turns out to be a cult led by the least impressive man you’ve ever met in your life, who—despite his undeniable greatness and the prophecy that he will one day bring you and all of your brothers and sisters back to your true homeland at the outermost limits of the Long Island Expressway—has the worst taste in jumpsuits.

Making a Speech

You’re assassinated by a time traveller who zapped himself back from the future to put an end to a coming tyrant, whom they confused you for thanks to an unfortunate combination of terrible jet lag and your uncanny resemblance to a young Lord Badface.

Having a Child

She grows up to resent you for pushing her to pursue mini-golf and move all the way to a tourist town where the borders of Norway, Sweden, and Finland meet to oversee Madame Tussaud’s newest location and eat flürb until her stomach swells like your heart did when you first held her in your arms long ago.

Investing in Cryptocurrency

Someone asks you to explain how it works.



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