“Verdicts,” by Dmitri Prigov

Advisory Note

Since the Middle Ages, animals have been put on trial for violating the supreme, metaphorical, social, and human order (themselves, incidentally, understood and consciously laid out, if not as a pure reproduction of metaphysical order then as its purest possible reflection). They recognized the conscious (what, you think dogs are stupid? they’re smarter than some of us) or half-conscious (given each and every animal species belonging to an empowered communal soul) assumption of responsibility for the representation of, at the very least, the forces of light or darkness.

As a reflection of the fundamental world-organizing foundations of not only human existence but all of existence, these judicial proceedings were and, at times, served as the only guarantee of a person’s belonging not only to his earthly but also his world-building, world-founding energy and activity. Sometimes these were the only defense against the invasion of the destructive forces of entropy.

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The Bear, for negligent performance of duty, shall be sentenced to two years probation with deduction of fifty per cent of salary at his place of permanent employment; who objects to what? No one and to nothing.

The Hare, for petty theft, shall be sentenced to administrative discipline at his place of permanent residence; who objects to what? No one and to nothing.

The Dog, for hooliganism, shall be sentenced to one year of imprisonment, but, since he has been given a good reference from his place of work, this shall be changed to fifteen days and public service, get it! You don’t get it? You get it, all right!

The Cat, for the systematic violation of public order and antisocial behavior, shall be sentenced to exile at a distance of a hundred kilometres—and no objections! What do you have to object to?

The Wolf, for large-scale embezzlement, shall be sentenced to twenty-five years, or no, to be shot would be better, no, it’s still more fair to say twenty-five years with confiscation of property—you think that’s harsh? No, not really! It can’t be done any other way.

The Rat, for antisocial behavior and insulting accepted norms and the political system, shall be sentenced to five years of hard labor, followed by a ten-year suspension of civil rights! Too little? But our judicial system is not punitive! It is humanist and instructional! We aren’t fascists, after all.

The Wild Boar, for a disagreeable appearance, shall be sentenced to death by being eaten—and rightly so! Though what good will it do! What, like you do things differently!

The Bird, for treason, shall be sentenced to death and the confiscation of property, to teach others to not do it.

The Echidna, for an antihuman appearance and over-all nastiness, shall be sentenced to be shot with subsequent rehabilitation, so that there will be some order, after all, and high justice will triumph.

The Elephant, for its huge size, which is an assault on human honor and dignity, shall be crossed off the list of existing beings, and its ongoing existence shall be considered an anomaly and a phantom.

For economic, moral, political, and behavioral crimes, the polecat, fox, squirrel, badger, chipmunk, vole, jay, lark, raven and crow, deer and badger, kangaroo and its joeys, whale and shark, pike, swan and crab, and all their ilk shall be sentenced to various terms of punishment in various places, but with a strictly legal and individual approach to each specific case, such that no indiscriminate levelling and wholesale depersonalization take place.

The Cockroach shall simply be sentenced to be shot; this needs no explanation.

The Lion shall be sentenced to public humiliation and degradation, since it is clear that the king of animals, nature, and everything else is man.

Rivers shall be sentenced to be redirected in all possible directions, as a result of which they shall run shallow and dry up—which is only fair.

The Sun shall be sentenced to exposure and public repentance, with consequent removal from the lists of remembrance and glorification of anything beginning with the words: Long live! So it must be.

Decisions for all the remaining cases are being prepared, and the sentences will be announced as they are decided within a reasonable period of time. None will be exempt.

—Dmitri Prigov (1940-2007)

(Translated, from the Russian, by Simon Schuchat with Ainsley Morse.)