Ugh, Burger King’s selling plant-based-protein burgers? What’s next, dirt-based burgers? Just go ahead and cut out the middleman, Burger King. Sure, you could say this doesn’t really affect me, since I can still eat all the meat-based staples on your menu, but it does. Because I know that you keep changing things exclusively to make me look and feel like an old bumbling fool. So go ahead and make a dirt burger. And take photos of me eating dirt, Burger King. And share them on your snarky Twitter account. Because I know that’s what you really want.
Ugh, and my local coffee shop doesn’t offer plastic straws anymore! What’s next, no coffee cups, either? Yeah, Starbucks, why don’t you go ahead and pour scalding-hot coffee into my cupped hands so I get third-degree burns on my palms? Sure, I could bring a metal straw, but that would mean I’d have to spend money on one instead of paying for my MetroCard to get to that modelling gig my cousin put me up for as the hand that holds the iPhone in the iPhone ads. What, am I gonna miss out on some sweet side-hustle money, all for a stupid metal straw that I don’t even know how to wash? That’s what Apple really wants.
Ugh, and why does all TV have to be on the Internet now? Disney has Disney+, Apple has Apple TV+. What’s next, ESPN+? What do you mean, that already exists? I just came up with it. Oh, man, they’re listening in on us through our phones and they literally just stole my idea, and now I gotta go all the way to the ESPN offices, which are in Bristol, Connecticut. I’m gonna have to ask for a day off work, and I can’t do that, because I already used up all my vacation days going to the New Museum to yell, “Why does everything have to be new? Can’t we just have nice, old things?!” Oh, sure, I could just watch TV normally, like an idiot. And all my co-workers would make fun of me because I don’t watch “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” and that’s exactly what Bob Iger, the C.E.O. of Disney, wants.
Ugh, and Face ID? What’s next, Face VD? Like, you know computer viruses, right? The kinda things you got on your old Compaq when you went to too many nudie sites? If your phone is basically a computer, then it can get viruses, too. And, if you gotta put your phone to your face to open it, then that means you’re gonna get computer viruses on your face. Sure, I could just use my passcode, but I don’t remember my passcode! And that group of teens who sit on my stoop know that. I’m gonna try to open my phone to call an Uber, and I won’t remember my passcode, and the driver will leave without me and give me a one-star rating, and that’s what those teens really want!
Ugh, and don’t get me started on that new thing on Facebook where people ask you to donate to charitable causes on their birthdays. What’s next, I’m paying for my cousin Martha’s godson’s calf-enlargement surgery for his birthday? That boy has perfectly normal-sized calves! Sure, I could ignore the donation request and just write “hbd!” on his “wall,” but then he’ll know I didn’t give money to his weird cosmetic surgery and it’ll be awkward at Christmas and my mom and I are gonna get into a fight again, and that’s exactly what my cousin’s godson wants to happen!
Ugh, and what is this thing about fall? What’s next? Winter? So I’m gonna have to buy new attire in order to leave my apartment? Why don’t I just become a recluse for three months? Sure, I could just use last year’s clothes, but the coat I wore last winter was a gift from my ex. So, what, am I just gonna wear that H&M mock-Burberry trenchcoat and trigger painful memories about how happy we used to be and then, flash forward, I’m outside my ex’s window, screaming, “Why must things change? Why did we have to change?” That’s exactly what her new boyfriend, Gareth, wants!
Ugh, and I can’t even deal with these Gen Z kids. What’s next? No, really, what’s next after Gen Z? What comes after Z?
