WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—After conducting a thorough “inspection” of the White House bunker on Friday night, Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it, Trump has confirmed.
“There were dust bunnies everywhere,” Trump told reporters. “Obama was President for eight years, and he didn’t set foot in that bunker once.”
“Here you have a world-class bunker, maybe the best bunker in the world, and Obama didn’t use it, even once?” Trump said. “I think that’s very disrespectful to the bunker.”
Trump said that he opened the bunker’s fridge and found it “stocked to the brim with soft drinks, totally untouched.”
“What kind of a person has a well-stocked bunker and just stays upstairs at his desk working?” Trump asked. “A bad or sick guy.”
Trump noted that, in addition to his failure to avail himself of an “amazing bunker,” Obama never once used the Insurrection Act of 1807 in his entire time in office.
“I don’t even know why Obama wanted to be President,” Trump said. “Obama is a mess.”
