Raising 10-year-old twin sons in Georgia, Kirsten Palladino and her wife Maria are a few years ahead of me and Sam, and their community is a great example of what we’re trying to create for our own kids. When the couple decided to start a family, Maria says, “We purposefully chose to move to a neighborhood where families like ours would fit in. Where our children wouldn’t feel like the only ones with LGBTQ+ parents, and where it was more likely that the other parents living around us and sending their children to school with ours would teach their children the basic tenets of love and kindness instead of bigotry and ignorance.” By placing themselves geographically in a setting inclusive of LGBTQ+ couples, Kirsten and Maria were also able to meet people who could help them navigate the world of fertility. “We cornered every LGBTQ+ parent at every queer BBQ asking a million questions long before we were even near the official trying-to-conceive stage,” explains Kirsten. “This also happened to lead us to the most successful and knowledgeable reproductive specialists in town, and then we had ready-made playmates and parent friends when we did have our children.”
While this community has helped make Kirsten feel less alone in parenting, she also knows it has impacted her kids in a positive way. “Our children have benefited from being friends with LGBTQ+ parents, as well as having friendships with children who have cishet parents who are allies,” Kirsten explains. “I think it’s also empowered our kids to be more empathetic to other underrepresented communities because of the challenges we’ve shared with them about being LGBTQ+ in terms of equal rights. And of course, another benefit is that they can be whoever they are and know that they’ll always be loved, celebrated, and accepted no matter what.”
Shannon McDill and her wife Rachel are raising their 3-year-old daughter on the Jersey Shore. “We have the ironic fortune to live in one of the most conservative areas in an otherwise progressive state,” explains Shannon. “As it is a vacation destination, the population dwindles significantly in the off-season, so we are considered a rural area. Along with that distinction comes a marked lack of queer community.”
They have found support in their social media community. The couple co-host a podcast, Our Life In Transition, and they have a large online community of queer parents. “They build us up and support us through our challenges,” says Shannon. “There is no guidebook for being a two mom family, let alone one with a trans parent.” Although their online community is great for Shannon and Rachel, they say that for their daughter, online experience does not translate to local in-person support, and as she grows they plan to find new and inventive ways to build her a supportive community.
Kirsten and Maria Palladino, who run the LGBTQ+ wedding and honeymoon magazine Equally Wed, understand the benefits of online support. “We’re living in such a virtual time that this is a great time to turn to online communities to find those supportive outlets,” says Kirsten. “But also — when it’s safe to do so — get involved with your local LGBTQ+ organizations!” She also recommends checking out queer-owned bookstores and parenting Facebook groups that offer meet-ups.
My own experience is proof that social media introductions can turn into real-life friendships. Jamie Paruolo messaged me on Instagram in December 2017 to say that she lived nearby with her wife, and that they also had a 1-year-old boy. She asked about a playdate at a local spot, and ended the message with, “Hope I didn’t weird you out.” Our boys — now 4 — have been best friends ever since, and that first playdate turned into birthday parties, sleepovers and weekends away. We’re currently spending two nights a week cheering them on in tee-ball, where the boys play on the same team and our babies — who both turned 1 this winter — fight over snacks and toddle around. Turns out that these relationships not only make me a better mom, but they are also beneficial to my kids as we build our community in this joyous, queer little life of ours.
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