Coffee is more popular than ever. And as java’s legions of admirers have grown, its producers have refined and customized their offerings. Gone are the days of simply choosing between dark, light, and medium roast. Want to fill your mug with the right brew for you? Here are some options to consider at your local café.
Someday-Your-Dog-Will-Die Roast
Tasting Notes: You love your dog, and this roast will give you the energy to transform that love into an expansive, consuming anxiety about the unknown future date when you will have to say goodbye to your best friend forever. There are also notes of chocolate, which is toxic to dogs. Furthermore, coffee is toxic to dogs. Goes well with avocado toast, also toxic to dogs.
Regrets Roast
Tasting Notes: You’ve blown it so many times. You never take a chance. You didn’t apply for that job because you were too afraid. You didn’t buy that stock because you thought it was too risky. You couldn’t walk up to that guy wearing a shirt of the band you liked to try and make a new friend. What was the worst that could happen? But you’re afraid of everything, including your own damn shadow. You have a preternatural ability to do the wrong thing. And you’ve done it again by choosing the wrong coffee.
Psychosomatic Roast (Decaf)
Tasting Notes: Settle down—it’s all in your head.
Climate-Change-Is-Coming-to-Take-Away-Coffee Roast
Tasting Notes: A New York Times article from earlier this year stated that, thanks to climate change and deforestation, sixty per cent of the world’s hundred and twenty-four coffee species may go extinct in the wild. This blend will activate the part of your psyche most primed to worry about how you’ll cope with not being able to drink it in the future. But don’t fret—this is the type of frantic worrying that won’t lead you to actually take action. You’ll just shake and sweat a lot. In any event, enjoy this cup of coffee; it might be your last.
Do-Not-Open-Instagram Roast
Tasting Notes: Listen to me. Don’t do it. You did it, didn’t you? At least post a photo of your coffee.
Crying-at-Your-Desk Roast
Tasting Notes: Salt.
Is-This-What-Cocaine-Feels-Like? Roast
Tasting Notes: Every one of your ideas seems amazing for a few minutes. Then you hate yourself and feel like the whole world is crashing down on you. You’ve never done cocaine before, but is this what it’s like? (Do not snort.)
You’ve-Been-Spending-Too-Much-on-Coffee Roast
Tasting Notes: If you stopped buying fancy coffee every day, you could save one thousand four hundred and sixty dollars this year. Oh, so now you can’t even have this one pleasant morning ritual? Think of all the money you’re saving by not buying that Lamborghini. What Lamborghini? Exactly.
Cold-and-Alone Brew
Tasting Notes: You’ll taste chicory, then turn to talk about it with Maura. But she’s gone. She’s been gone for a long time, and she’s not coming back. The good news is that you have lots of energy to obsess over what she might be doing right now.
Anxiety-Over-Your-Upcoming-Friars-Club-Roast Roast
Tasting Notes: What if the jokes aren’t the superficial jabs you expect? What if they reveal something that you hate so deeply about yourself but could never before put into words? And what if your own jokes get sort of polite laughs, but don’t exactly kill?
