Sometimes your favorite app changes its font. Sometimes your boring but trusty eggplant ghosts you (without even a ? for good measure). Sometimes you make a new friend and muster the courage to invite her to brunch with a clear, concise text, only to have her flake on you with an emoji of a constipated monkey. When these instances arise, it is imperative to work through your feelings via these seven emojis of grief, so that you can heal.
First Emoji: ?
It’s normal to comment ? after stumbling upon an Instagram post of your friends at a party that you weren’t invited to. Spotting a photo of your friends looking thrilled despite your absence will initially result in disbelief, and would make anyone want to scream, but, because you’re in your therapist’s waiting room, that’s not an option. Expressing yourself through an emoji that surely makes Edvard Munch turn over in his grave is the next best thing.
Second Emoji: ?
O.K., you weren’t invited to the party, and all of your friends were, and they clearly had a blast. You accept this. You’ve moved through ?. But what you haven’t accepted are your feelings. You tell yourself, “Everything’s fine, everything’s great, everything’s ?.” You’re simply a little dizzy. That’s totally normal. You’re being hit in the gut with an invisible sack of bricks. But stranger things have happened! Have you heard of Roswell? Or potato chips that look like Jesus? In the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal! ???
Third Emoji: ?
? is one of the most challenging emojis of the grief process. Suddenly, you realize that you could have been at that party, in that photo, if you’d only tried harder to befriend the host, after meeting her a few months ago, at a friend’s guacamole contest. You could have used more open body language in several group settings. You could have complimented her stupid Teva flatforms when you saw her on the street last week. In your mind’s eye, you see an alternate version of the photo: you, smack in the middle, beaming in a high-necked crop top, hair tousled in that cool, carefree way. It’s O.K. to feel ?, but, if you use this emoji too much, your remaining friends will get annoyed and abandon you. Text it once, and then let it go.
Fourth Emoji: ?
Not gonna lie—this emoji scares people. It implies that you might do something rash, like hurl your phone (no!) or make a deal with the devil to trade twenty-five per cent of your battery life to be in that photo. Unfortunately, nary a listless Gen Z-er wants to deal with your ?. There simply is no good response. Still, ? is a necessary part of the grieving process, so it’s recommended that you set up an emotional burner phone to work through this phase. Simply text the emoji as often as you’d like to a proxy number that belongs to no one.
Fifth Emoji: ?
You might think that your next emoji is ?, but no. That emoji is a clear cry for help. You’re so dash-space-dash-return-long dash right now that you can’t even engage in phone-based human interaction. When you text an emoji with eyes and a mouth made of literal flat lines, you’re signalling to the world that, for the moment, you’re dead. In real life, you just need to be alone with your misery. People will respect this.
Sixth Emoji: ?
The angel opens her eyes! Your rebirth begins. Of course, you still feel remnants of all the emojis that came before. You can’t completely leave them behind, but there’s no need to scroll up and relive them; you’re through the worst of it. When you text this emoji, the world will know that you’re passive but functional. At this point, you’re the perfect vessel for #content, so don’t be surprised if Instagram suddenly doubles down on targeted ads, which, admittedly, you very much enjoy. In fact, purchasing a $22.99 green jumpsuit from a cagey Internet vender with no return option is an integral part of the healing process.
Seventh Emoji: ?
Congratulations! You’re back. Quick, post a selfie with the caption “???.” Trust me, everyone will get it. Your emotional stock is up. You’re movin’ and groovin’! I mean, you’re still in your therapist’s waiting room, but to your followers you’re clearly a beacon of poise and effortless self-possession. Honestly, who even needs therapy when you’ve just promoted ? to your most-used emojis? Might as well just skip your session, head to Chipotle, and find out what you’ve been missing on Twitter.
