NOU GOOD (START THE DANCE)
It was a mixed bag in Europe last night for some of the Premier League’s top striking talent. Cristiano Ronaldo scored a goal that either began a new era of Big Cup glory at Old Trafford or condemned Manchester United to another season of grinding mediocrity, depending on where you’re coming from with the old Ole thing. Romelu Lukaku and Timo Werner both picked up cases of knack that will see them miss Unconvincing 2021-22 Premier League Champions Chelsea’s next few dull one-goal victories against mid-table opposition they really should be whipping with panache. Meanwhile in Big Vase, Patson Daka notched his first European goal for Leicester and then, a mere 33 minutes and three more goals later, became the Foxes’ joint-leading scorer in continental football of all time, ever. Easy as that! And there you are, thinking Ronaldo is a force of nature.
Arguably the most significant result of the night came early on at Camp Nou, where struggling Barcelona finally got on the board in Group E. They welcomed Dynamo Kyiv, opponents who proved more than happy to gift them 99% possession while standing around in the penalty area like awkwardly placed furniture, barely a thought given to feng shui. The great Barça side of the 2010s would have circumnavigated all the clutter to run in a hatful. The hoodlums of the early 1980s would have steamed straight through it, at the very least instigating an entertaining mass brawl. But this current lot are a rum sort, neither fish nor fowl. They ummed and aahed, probed gingerly, and eventually Gerard Piqué did a goal. Més que un generous dose of delicious Valium.
That it’s come to this for the famous Barcelona. Ronald Koeman and his men will need to address their separation anxiety sooner rather than later, because little Leo ain’t coming back and Real Madrid are coming to town at the weekend. Real aren’t exactly slap-bang in the middle of an imperial phase either, but at least they’re not fannying around in mid-table. They managed to score five in their Big Cup game against Ukrainian opponts, so there seem to be levels. Should Madrid manage to do a number on their arch-rivals, it could be curtains for Koeman, who has at least hung on to his job long enough for the first clásico between two former Everton managers. The glass ceiling thus broken, Sam Allardici waits patiently in the wings for his turn, ready and willing to prove his point at long last.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was really sad after reading that statement from Steve. You’re talking about someone that’s been in the game over 40 years, that has managed 1,000 games … We can’t take for granted that things are the way they are. We are here to improve and change them. I think we have to think about it when one of the most experienced managers in English history is telling you something” – Arsenal’s Mikel Arteta stands up for Steve Bruce after his Newcastle exit.
RECOMMENDED READING
“My daughters went to watch a football match and I feel like their lives were just ripped away. And these 32 years, what they put us through: I feel betrayed, by judges and by police … the injustice and grief run alongside each other; it’s like a knife in your heart.” Jenni Hicks, whose daughters Sarah and Vicki were killed at Hillsborough, talks to David Conn as part of his essential long read on the victims’ families and their long fight for justice.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is here! Max and co discuss all the Big Cup action, Kevin Keegan, Gerard Piqué’s balloon antics and much, much more.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: thrashings (Fiver letters passim). In 1974 I ran a wee under-14s team in Govan for kids who weren’t very good, but wanted a game. I put them into a summer cup run by the Glasgow Youth Clubs Association. We got Rangers in the first round. We went ahead through an early penalty – and were 32-1 down at half-time, when I agreed to call a halt. The boys loved it though, and got a Mars bar each” – William Cooper.
“Youth games are often lopsided affairs but the worst result I’ve experienced came when refereeing on a sloping pitch at Bradford-on-Avon. The dominant team racked up 20 goals without answer in the first half and doubled the score in the second despite playing uphill, to run out 40-0 winners. It was 50 years ago, so I can now safely confess I had trouble blowing my whistle due to a fit of giggles” – David Glanz.
“Re: Newcastle urging fans to avoid ‘dipping back into the tea-towel draw’ (Wednesday’s Fiver). I would have thought Newcastle fans would be glad of any draw at the moment, while the tea towels will soon be coming out of the drawer for upcoming Nativity plays” – Robbie Worsfold (and 1,056 others).
“Just like Liam Stephens (Wednesday’s Fiver), I am irked by commentators’ use of the phrase ‘saved by the woodwork’. However, my complaint is about the word ‘woodwork’. I don’t think a goalpost has been made of wood since Gordon McQueen’s knee caught one of those square ones at Hampden back in 1978” – Gareth Rogers.
“I’m surprised no one has mentioned Daniel Farke for Newcastle’s next manager. If you want someone to get you out of the Championship, he’s your man” – Tony Patterson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Tony Patterson.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Julian Nagelsmann has tested positive for Covid-19 after missing Bayern Munich’s 4-0 win over Benfica with “flu-like symptoms”. Bayern have confirmed that their head coach will return to Munich separately and self-isolate at home.
Charlton have bundled Nigel Adkins through the Door Marked Do One with the club mired in the League One drop zone. Johnnie Jackson will take interim charge, assisted by Jason Euell – starting with a trip to Sunderland on Saturday.
Tiny violins at the ready: Chelsea have a striker shortage after Romelu Lukaku and Timo Werner both limped off with knack during their Big Cup cruise against Malmö.
Ansu Fati has joined fellow Barcelona tyro Pedri in signing a long-term deal at the club with a whopping €1bn release clause.
Bayer Leverkusen chief suit Fernando Carro is concerned about the impact of Premier League clubs’ spending after the club were outbid by a promoted English club this summer. “The entire Bundesliga is like a development league,” Carro frowned.
Southampton’s Ralph Hasenhüttl insists he no longer sees upcoming opponents Burnley as long-ball merchants. “In the beginning I thought they were only a team that kicked long … but they have developed their game,” Hasenhüttl trilled.
And Roma defender Gianluca Mancini didn’t mince his words on a pre-match walkabout before their Big Pot tie at Bodø/Glimt. “It’s only our fault,” Mancini seethed as the team braved the snow in Norway. “I blame our sh1tty season last year.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Max Rushden on ensuring human rights are not pushed aside now that Newcastle’s Saudi-backed takeover is complete.
“Football wasn’t seen as something young, black girls do” – Brighton manager Hope Powell talks to Tumaini Carayol about the obstacles she overcame.
Manchester United forward Kirsty Hanson gets her chat on with Suzanne Wrack about coffee shops and going big with celebrations.
The Champions League comeback win over Atalanta was another Ole-era Manchester United thriller but left the key questions unresolved, muses Barney Ronay.
Meanwhile, John Brewin grabs his leg-warmers and filofax as United head back to their freewheeling 80s wilderness years.
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