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The Fiver | Gareth Bale, the pushmi-pullyu and some basic maths


ANY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE

Fans of the Doctor Dolittle books will be familiar with the pushmi-pullyu, an astonishing and now sadly extinct beast with two heads. When the eponymous doctor is first introduced to one, he is assured that it is a veritable cash machine. “This is the pushmi-pullyu, the rarest animal of the African jungles, the only two-headed beast in the world!” he’s told (by an unusually talkative monkey). “Take him home with you and your fortune’s made. People will pay any money to see him.” And so it proves: so many people buy tickets that the doctor is eventually able to retire a rich man, to live in a little house with a big garden.

Superficially at least, Gareth Bale would seem to have little in common with a binary-bonced and completely fictional gazelle/chamois/unicorn cross. But that all changed when plans were made to take him away from his home continent to a place where he will be seen as an astonishing novelty, in the hope that huge numbers there will buy tickets to see him and thus make everybody involved richer. Sadly, those plans are no more: Real Madrid have called off his move to China leaving him exactly like a beast with a head at each end of its body: completely unsure whether he’s coming or going.

In the book, the pushmi-pullyu only agrees to leave because he “saw at once, from the Doctor’s face, that he was a man to be trusted”. Bale has no such faith in his hammer-headed coach-cum-captor Zinedine Zidane, whose malevolence looks set to be the ruin of the Welshman’s late career. “It’s simple, Zidane doesn’t like Gareth,” the player’s Mr 15%, Jonathan Barnett, is reported to have said. “There’s no relationship between them. There never has been.” Nor is there any relationship between this story and common sense. To summarise: Zidane wants him out of Madrid. Chinese side Jiangsu Suning were willing to take him and pay him an unethical amount of money for the privilege. But now, two days before the Chinese transfer window closes, the deal’s off, because the Spaniards’ board decided they should also be receiving a hefty transfer fee, and Suning have bought 30-year-old journeyman Ivan Santini instead.

Just how much of a fee were Madrid expecting? Because keeping Bale on his current £600,000-a-week deal until the next window opens on New Year’s Day will cost them about £13.2m. Honouring his contract until the start of next summer’s transfer window will set them back about £28.8m. Getting stuck with Bale for the 1,068 days between now and his deal expiring in 2022 will cost them a shade under £92m. Even The Fiver’s astonishingly basic understanding of maths is enough to see that nothing, while not being an overwhelming amount of money for such a renowned player, is nevertheless quite a lot more than -£92m. Meanwhile, it seems that half of Madrid is pushing in one direction while the other half pulls the other way, and that kind of behaviour never leads to a happy ending, except, that is, for gazelle/chamois/unicorn crosses in vintage child-friendly fiction.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Sorry, it’s a pre-season friendly? That’s how you see it in this country? Nobody told me that so far … I don’t know why people play this [Charidee Shield] if it means nothing, why don’t we cancel it then?” – either Jürgen Klopp is keen to breathe new life into The Fiver’s STOP FOOTBALL campaign, or he really doesn’t want to play Manchester City so soon after a pre-season in which his Big Cup winners’ only victories were against Tranmere and Bradford.

A cheerful lap of applause from Liverpool’s players at Murrayfield after their 3-0 defeat to Napoli.



A cheerful lap of applause from Liverpool’s players at Murrayfield after their 3-0 defeat to Napoli. Photograph: Andrew Powell/Liverpool FC via Getty Images

FIVER LETTERS

“Re: the first line of Friday’s Fiver: ‘You absolutely will not catch The Fiver exerting itself too much during pre-season.’ Does The Fiver ever exert itself in season or out of season?” – Nigel Assam.

“Re: reviews (Fiver letters passim). Can’t remember where I saw it, but particularly enjoyed: ‘Everybody loves Raymond. Except us’” – Alex Metcalfe.

“Back in the mid-80s, Big Paper trailed the Tommy Steele Story, starring Tommy Steele, with ‘the quality of this film can be judged by the fact that Tommy Steele makes a terrible Tommy Steele’. Clearly a must-watch” – Steve Matthews.

“Oh dear, Mike Wilner (Friday’s Fiver letters). Tony Adams has a role with the rugby league, not the rugby union. There are no line-outs in rugby league” – Marc Meldrum (and 1,056 others).

“Re: belated Fiver letter prize distribution (Fiver letters passim). I’m still waiting for my copy of Tor! The Story of German Football. Won on 18 December 2013. I suspect the floodgates have now opened” – Andy Shawcross.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Matthews.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Santi Cazorla gonna Santi Cazorla.


‘Magician’ Santi Cazorla shows off skills during Villarreal friendly – video

BITS AND BOBS

Arsenal are set to land Nicolas Pépé in a £72m deal from Lille.

Idrissa Gueye is in Paris to cough for the doctor and do some star jumps before completing a £32m move from Everton to PSG.

Ross Barkley wants to help fill the void left by Eden Hazard at Chelsea. It’s very good of him. “We have to replace his goals and create the chances,” he deadpanned.

The Vinnie K era at Anderlecht is off to a less than auspicious start after his team lost 2-1 in their league opener at home to Oostende. “I remain 100% behind the football that we believe in and there will be no compromise over playing these youngsters,” he roared.

Patrice Evra, who has spent the past 18 months doing Social Media Disgrace b@ntz, has finally twigged that he should probably officially retire.

Louis van Gaal has been talking about his time at Manchester United. “Bayern has a true sports culture, Man United only has a business culture,” he noted, although did not explain how this same “business” allowed him to spend £67.5m on Ángel Di María, £54m on Anthony Martial, £33.75m on Luke Shaw, £32.4m on Ander Herrera, £16.2m on Matteo Darmian, £18m on Marcos Rojo, £30.6m on Memphis Depay, £15.75m on Daley Blind and all manner of wages on Bastian Schweinsteiger and Falcao.

And Würzburger Kickers boss, Michael Schiele, whose team were 4-2 up against Unterhaching after 87 minutes of their Bundesliga 3 season-opener, is blaming the rain [only experienced by his team? – Fiver Ed] for being 5-4 down by full-time. “The downpour did not do us any good,” he sniffed. “We were still the winner after 88 minutes. What came next, that hurt.”

STILL WANT MORE?

It’s July, the Ashes are about to start, so of course it’s time for our Premier League previews for 2019-20. No 1: Arsenal. And No 2: Aston Villa.

With these 20 things to look out for in the new Football League season, The Fiver is really spoiling you.

Ben Fisher also gets stuck into a League Two season preview.

“You’re now regretting getting off at Diss and not Norwich. It’s done now.” Grant Holt chews the fat with Paul MacInnes about the psychological impact of getting off trains a stop early, his long football career and how he won’t be donning Lycra full-time as a wrestler under the moniker The Incredible Holt.

The rise and tragic fall of Arild Berg, Norway’s lost footballing soul. By Michael Yokhin.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!





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