WAKE ME UP WHEN JANUARY ENDS
After a protracted, often volatile and bad-tempered period of financial and political wrangling, 11pm GMT will herald a brand new beginning. For many in the UK, it will be a time of unfettered joy, an occasion to chime the bells and string up the bunting as they celebrate a brave new dawn. For the more circumspect among us, it will mark the beginning of a period fraught with uncertainty, the first tentative steps into the unknown. But whatever your feelings on the January transfer window, there will almost certainly be a collective, unified sigh of relief that after all the bluff and bluster it will finally be over.
Ahead of the deadline there are, however, deals still to be done and, having serviced their fax machines (ask your parents), the length and breadth of the UK has been chuntering and screeching like a posse of Union Jack-waving MEPs leaving Brussels for the last time. No shortage of withdrawal agreements have been negotiated, signed, sealed and delivered at football clubs all over the country, the least underwhelming of which thus far is a loan deal that will see a Southampton right-back provide cover for Arsenal’s knack crisis … once he has recovered from his own foot-gah in about three weeks.
“We are all looking forward to going into the last stages of the season with Cédric as part of the club,” cheered a club suit, as they called on supporters not to turn inwards and instead get behind a truly internationalist, diverse and outward-looking Arsenal. Despite frantic last-ditch attempts to get his own exit done, Olivier Giroud remains a Frank Lampard’s Chelsea player. Having long been eager to leave, but not so desperate that he was prepared to entertain an approach from Newcastle, the French striker is wanted by Lazio and Tottenham, but his departure will not be ratified unless FLC can sweet-talk Napoli into letting Dries Mertens leave the EU, which seems unlikely. Apparently reluctant to sanction the kind of foolish uncoupling that could cause irreparable self harm, the Serie A side look set to dash poor Ollie’s hopes of joining Nigel Farage in celebrating a massive victory over the establishment. “No,” said Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard, upon being asked if Giroud would be leaving. “He has been incredible as a player and a man. Will he leave? No.”
In other players-agitating-for-a-hard-exit news, Scandinavian striker Josh King is hoping for a Norway-plus type of agreement that would see him leave one listing ship for another and join Manchester United. It is, The Fiver understands from looking at a shivering Sky Sports News reporter braving the south-coast winds, a move that will apparently only be sanctioned by Bournemouth if they can get a replacement in first. With this and so many other tedious rumours and counter-rumours swirling around as the clock ticks down, the nation’s barmy Brexiteers will not be the only ones raising a glass in celebration when the metaphorical bell tolls at 11pm.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I started off the season with what we’ve got and now, probably for the Arsenal game, I’ll have Andy Carroll, Dwight Yorke and [Yoshinori] Muto available. If there’s someone who is better than what we’ve got – and can improve us – then we’ll try and act” – Newcastle’s knack-crisis is so severe that po’ Bernard Cribbins is spun out to the extent that he thinks a 48-year-old striker is on his books.
FIVER LETTERS
“Is anyone at Big Website going to bother to acknowledge that Christine Sinclair now holds the record for most international goals scored … by a man or a woman … ever … all while playing for Canada? A massive, massive achievement, primarily overlooked in the USA! USA!! USA!!! (understandable since she took the record from Abby Wambach), but I naively thought you were better than that” – Juanita Penner [here you go – Fiver Ed].
“I’m a die-hard Cambridge United fan, and talk of tunes being played at matches (Fiver letters passim) reminds me that, for some unknown reason, at the final whistle of each match we win, the Abbey Stadium PA blasts out I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts. Does any other club similarly torment their supporters, or is it another pain that Cambridge fans alone must bear?” – John Kyle.
“For a brief period during the mid-noughties my club, Bury FC (RIP, crying emoji), ran out to Welcome to the Pleasuredome. For the few there who knew the song, the irony was not lost, seeing as we spent that period of time in the lower reaches of the bottom tier, playing some of the worst football I can remember. Or the glory days, as we now refer to them” – Adrian Foster.
“During an enforced period of time in Nottingham in the early-80s, I ventured over to Meadow Lane, and as County trotted out, I was exposed to this absolute belter. I swear, I only heard it the once, but it is forever burnt into my brain” – Jon Millard.
“Some time in the late-80s/early-90s, the NME did a music/football crossover article, surveying clubs about pre-match tunes. I don’t remember which lower-league English club it was, but their response to ‘what do you come out to before games?’ was: ‘Complete silence, usually.’ If I could remember who they were I’d immediately make them my English team” – Dougie McCrae.
“Ed Taylor (yesterday’s letters) positing what happens when a club opt to eschew with giving the job to a qualified candidate and instead appoint a famous fan as manager. Not going great for Manchester United, is it?’” – Derek McGee.
“Can I be one of the 1,057 to point out that the one-thirdly eponymous Greg Lake (yesterday’s letters) played bass guitar” – Giordy Salvi (and 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Adrian Foster, who wins a copy of the Blizzard’s: The Best of the First Five Years, signed by editor and Fiver colleague Jonathan Wilson. And if you like what you see, you can buy or subscribe to it here.
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Football Weekly Extra is right here. Tickets are also on sale for the next live show in London.
Heroic Villans, Liverpool march on and transfer nonsense
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
More than 150 football-related racist incidents were reported to police last season, Home Office figures show, a rise of more than 50% on the year before.
Sheffield United have stuffed a club record £22m into Genk’s piggy bank in exchange for rosy-cheeked Norway midfielder Sander Berge.
Plucky Wigan left-back Antonee Robinson is set for a £10m move to Milan after successfully coughing for the Rossoneri’s doctor.
2016’s Yannick Carrasco has rejoined Atlético Madrid, two years after doing one to trouser a load of CSL cash at Dalian Yifang.
Wolves have signed Rochdale toddler Luke Matheson for £1m.
And Cédric Bakambu says he learned that Barcelona had pulled out of an agreement to sign him from Beijing Guoan while he was on a flight to Catalonia.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
Masterful passing, tempo and goals: what Andy Brassell thinks Bruno Fernandes will give Manchester United.
Crystal Palace’s Cheikhou Kouyaté gets his chat on with Ed Aarons about Afcon and what happens when you lose in training.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
