The 2019 Airline Turkey Awards. Turkeys Do Fly, And They May Be Aboard Or Operating Your Flight

In honor of the chubby, noble bird upon which hundreds of millions of Americans will chow down this Thursday – such a noble bird that Benjamin Franklin supposedly wanted it to be our national symbol rather than the bald eagle – these are the Second Annual Airline Turkeys Awards.

It’s not clear why or when it happened. But somehow the wild turkey (Meleagris gallopava) has become closely associated with humans (Homo sapiens) of a certain sub-type (Homo doofus) known for their tendency to do obviously stupid things, or for engaging in massive screw-ups of epic proportions. And since this, the day before Thanksgiving, is one of the busiest days for air travel each year (though, unlike what is so stupidly repeated by hundreds and hundreds of journalists {Journo lazious} each year on this day, it is FAR from being the busiest travel day of the year) we think it appropriate to announce this year’s Airline Turkey Awards.

They go to those airlines (Avias metallicus) and/or those airline employees (Avias metallicus dronus) that either screwed up on such a humongous scale that it simply can’t go without comment, or did the most to derail the advancement of humane, comfortable and pleasant air travel experiences over the course of the previous year.

The decisions of the judge are, of course, totally arbitrary, maybe slightly mean-spirited, and final. But you are encouraged to nominate you own award candidates or discuss the merits of these winners in the comments section.

So let’s get started.

• The award this year for Blindly Repeating Past Mistakes goes to the Transport Workers Union and the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers. Together they represent American Airlines’ mechanics (at least until the negotiate a new contract with American and then go to war with each other over which union will take over sole responsibility for leading American’s mechanics). Leaders of the group went to war against the airline’s management early this in 2019 by signaling, not so subtly, members to begin doing all they could to slow down and disrupt the airline’s schedule. Mechanics began writing up minor mechanical problems in ways that caused completely safe planes to be temporarily grounded while mechanics, working very slowly, fixed non-essential light bulbs and such. Mechanics, who normally cherish opportunities to earn handsome override payments for working overtime, suddenly began turning down lucrative OT offers. American’s already poor on-time flight performance plummeted. Eventually management, which saw its pilots pull a similar stunt back in the late 1990s, got fed up and got a federal court order telling the mechanics to knock it off. When the mechanics at first didn’t, the federal judge came down on them hard. Okay, if American is treating its mechanics poorly or not negotiating fair and square with them – and that’s at least plausible – then shame on them. But repeating the same, stupid mistake, one that’s destined to lead to failure, based on a new generation of leaders’ arrogance and hubris, and one which totally jacks with millions of passengers’ lives is inexcusable.
• The 2019 Golden Turkey for Excellence in Needlessly Angering Both Sides of a Hot Button Social Issue goes to Delta Airlines for its handling of same-sex love scenes in movies shown on board its long-haul flights. Delta initially drew loud criticism from members of the LBGTQ community, sympathizers and others for opting to show versions of two movies, the Elton John biopic Rocketman, and the comedy Booksmart, in which same-sex love scenes had been excised. In response to the loud public criticism for doing so Delta quickly switched to showing the full cinematic versions of those two movies, complete with the scenes previously omitted. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Delta, especially since the same thing happened to it in 2016 with the movie Carol, but switching to the more graphic version really ticked off social conservatives who also happen to be frequent Delta passengers. Now the carrier’s catching it from both sides of that thorny issue. Of course, it could have avoided the whole problem by choosing simply to not show either version of the movie. There are hundreds of movies, many of them quite popular with fans and/or critics, than never get shown on commercial flights. So had Delta simply not shown either movie no one would have had any reason to complain. But noooo… .
• For Outstanding Performance in the always-fun What Were They Thinking? category, United Airlines gets the award for installing new video screens in the seat backs of its first class seats on long-haul planes. The folks at United thought they could save some money installing video units now that could be used a few years down the road should they want to offer video conferencing or other potential advanced services to the rich folks who sit up front in the expensive seats. Nobody, it seems, thought through customers’ response to the notion that someone could be on the other end of that lens pointing back at them. By April of this year United had covered up all those digital Peeping Tom enablers in response to their well-heeled customers’ extremely negative reactions to the possibility that someone might be watching their every action while in their seats.
• The award for Totally Ineffectual Protection of Air Travelers goes this year to… the Environmental Protection Agency plus 11 major and 12 regional airlines. Piedmont Airlines is the only regional carrier of any size not “awarded” the Golden Turkey in this category because its on board water scored well in tests conducted by researchers at Hunter College’s NYC Food Policy Center for DietDetective.com. But all those other carriers failed, to varying degrees, those water quality tests.  JetBlue and Spirit airlines finished worst among the major airlines.  Republic Airways (a regional that flies under the United Express, Delta Connection, and American Eagle labels) had the lowest score. Another regional, ExpressJet had the second-lowest score.  The EPA and most major carriers meanwhile, earned a “Shame On You” citation from the researchers for their “very poor response time and lack of cooperation answering detailed questions” posed by the researchers. The EPA’s role is to perform water quality tests and enforce industry adherence to the standards set in the Congressionally-mandated Aircraft Drinking Water Rule. But the researchers criticized the EPA for “rarely ever” levying civil penalties against airlines that fail to meet the ADWR’s standards. The research also issued this charming advice to travelers: “Never drink any water on board that isn’t in a sealed bottle; do not drink coffee or tea on board; and do not wash your hands in the bathroom – bring hand-sanitizer with you instead.”
• The 2019 Golden Turkey for Extraordinary Foot Dragging goes to the U.S. Department of Transportation and all U.S. Airlines for their impressively long delay in complying with Congress’ requirement that they collectively review and, if appropriate, establish a policy ensuring that children 13 and under will be seated adjacent to old family members. That requirement was issued more than three years ago. To date exactly ZERO has been done in response. William McGee, a travel safety and consumer service advocate who writes for USA TODAY, recently documented a number of alarming situations: two cases in which United knowingly separated parents from their 1-year-olds, in one case on a two-leg international trip; seven cases in which 2-year-olds were separated from their families on flights operated by American, Delta, United and Spirit airlines; three cases in which 3-year-olds were separated from their families; another case on American in which a 2-year-old and an older child prone to having seizures were separated from their families. In that one, the the 2-year-old also was denied the use of a car seat despite the steps taken in advance to reserve a seat for the child in accordance with airline rules for the use of a car seat. There also were three cases in which autistic children were seated separately from the rest of their family.

1. Finally, in a special award category created this year for air travel consumers, The Golden Turkey for Outstanding Achievement In Trendy and Stupid Adherence to a Lame Politically Correct Meme goes to… all those Scandinavians and other Europeans who are so woke about the oft-prophesied but perpetually-delayed environmental nightmare just around the corner that they’ve begun aggressively shaming people who travel by air for the damage they do to the environment. Flygskam, or flight shaming in English, is now a thing, albeit a very dumb thing. Surveys recently have shown that as many as 21% of Europeans have cut back on their air travels to reduce their carbon footprint, with Scandinavians leading the way both in numbers of people participating, and in launching and naming the flight shaming trend. This deserves the Golden Turkey because it’s premised on faulty understandings of the facts. Flygskam-ing not only can do the environment more harm than good, it also can harm local, national and even global economies and the people who depend on the travel industry to support their families, pay their taxes and, notably, afford products and services that help them reduce their own carbon footprints. For example, today’s commercial jets produce about 100 grams of carbon dioxide per passenger, per kilometer traveled. Conversely, a car rated at 22 miles per gallon produces about 250 grams of carbon dioxide per kilometer traveled. So, those engaging in Flygskam think it’s a good idea to get lots of people out of less-dirty airplanes and into more dirty automobiles? I don’t think so, but that’s the natural result of their actions. Trains, which aren’t even a viable option for most Americans, also produce more gunk per passenger mile traveled than modern jets, so that’s not a good alternative either. And simply cutting way back on travel would cause significant economic hardships for people tied to the travel industry. In a worst case scenario, those in Europe who lose their jobs as a result of reduced air travel on environmental grounds would have to return to burning dirty coal to heat their homes rather than paying for the clean electricity made by Europe’s many nuclear and wind generators. Way to go Flygskammers! This Golden Turkey is for you!