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Doing the nasty. Hanky panky. How’s your father? A bit of crumpet…What are we on about? Oh, yes, the best hotels in London to get down and dirty in, of course.
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that we’re a nation of prudes, but many will agree London is arguably the exception.
Scout around any of the big dating and hookup apps — Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Chappy — and you’ll discover a wealth of fetishes many of you probably never knew existed. The point is, that behind closed doors we’re a frisky (and sometimes filthy) lot.
If having sex anywhere outside your own four walls makes you feel uncomfortable, my advice to you is simple: shrug off your inhibitions, grab a pair of handcuffs, and let the hotel room do the rest.
From a quickie on the go to a fantastical night of X-rated sexploration above the clouds, here’s an insatiable guide on where to get your freak on in London town.
The Shard, London Bridge
For: exhibitionists
Sauce rating: 4/5
Anyone who’s anyone has heard of the Shangri-La hotel. It’s the one tucked inside that massive phallic building we call the Shard. The unquestionably corporate décor has been designed with the business traveller in mind (think slick and sleek rather than flirty and fun). But the extreme novelty of getting intimate in the tallest building in western Europe, 306m high, with floor-to-ceiling windows makes up for that. The Premier Shard Suite has views all the way to Kent, Surrey and Sussex. Advice? You’ll need extra stamina for this demanding bad boy. I sure as hell did.
There are specially designed beds and mattresses, which contour to your body, and the sheets are 600-thread-count Frette linen, if a silken texture is what you want in bed.
From £450 a night, shangri-la.com/london/shangrila/
Blakes, Kensington
For: sexperts
Sauce rating: 5/5
Blakes has quite the reputation when it comes to being sexy. Heck, many have said its dark, discreet, overly flamboyant and opium den-like boudoirs are the naughtiest spots in town. If you’re up for giving Mr Blake and his Mrs a ride (no pun intended) two love packages are at your disposal: Naughty or Nice.
For those who opt for the first, expect a Naughty kit (pleasure rings, deluxe condoms, silk ties) as well as a Kama Sutra (obvs). For girls and boys who instantly check if the bible is in the bedside cabinet, the Nice option involves all the usual suspects including rose petals on the four-poster bed, chocolates and a book of poetry to woo your lover. A Pretty Woman-esque champagne breakfast in bed is also on the menu.
From £411, blakeshotels.com
The Hoxton, Holborn
For: a quickie
Sauce rating: 3/5
If a hot guy or gal suddenly slides into your vision before that all-important lunch meeting then the Hoxton Holborn is guaranteed to hit all the right spots. Why? Well, it’s one of the few hotels in the city to offer customers the option to check in at 10am and check out by 4pm. We’re told the speedy rates are available to help needy business types set up base for the day, but if it is indeed a cheeky quickie or whirlwind romance you’re after, opt for one of the Shoebox rooms. They are honestly priced, cheerful, compact (so you will have to snuggle in close to fit) and come with queen-size beds and walk-in showers, so you can easily (and quickly) freshen up after an hour or two of naughtiness. Lovely illustrated wallpaper too.
From £99, thehoxton.com/london/holborn/rooms
The Goring Hotel
For: a bank-account busting Tinder one-nighter
Sauce rating: 5 (and a half)
This extremely English hotel is a favourite of the royals and you can see why. It’s a top-notch place for a bit of hanky panky. The hottest spot? Well, the bathroom in the royal suite of course.
Swan down a glitzy staircase and you’ll discover a luxurious world of well-thought out fantasies: a massive marble-lined bath (with room for four) and a double shower fitted with not one, but three sprinklers.
It gets extra points for the portrait of Queen Victoria, who gives you a hard stare from behind a wall of glass in the shower. It’s a kinky and hilarious touch. And, just in case you were wondering, the shower is big enough for you both to lie down in. Size matters. At least when you’re paying this much.
From £8,000, thegoring.com
South Place Hotel, The City
For: racy romantics
Sauce rating: off the scale
Remember Madonna’s racy album Erotica? Excellent, because this place will give you fever — the good kind. To get you in the mood, dive head-first into the Prohibition-inspired Le Chiffre, a sexy and glam bar that bashes out the raunchiest of ooh la la orgasm-inducing cocktails. After, smooch in the romantic hidden garden out back complete with palm trees and glittering waterfall. It’s worth it just for the Insta shot.
If you’ve got the cash, request suite 610. The one-bed apartment decorated with vintage porn comes with a chic see-through glass-sided tub and a marble-lined en-suite perfect for a bit of spontaneous pre-dinner nookie. The real question is, will you both be able to handle this fine hotel’s jelly?
Cool off in the spa, where there’s a shower that mimics three different types of rainfall — just what’s been lacking this summer — and drink to love, or at least good sex on the Nyetimber terrace.
From £650, southplacehotel.com
Corinthia London, Westminster
For: playing away
Sauce rating: 4/5
Nothing screams classy naughty weekend bedfest more so than the Corinthia. For a hideaway, look no further than the Hamilton penthouse. It’s inspired by the story of Lady Hamilton and Lord Nelson’s love affair and is studded with jewel-like mirrors and seductively smooth marble. And yes, the country’s greatest naval military hero did indeed voyage beyond his wife’s bedsheets. Gasp. In sight of Nelson’s column (apt), the Georgian residence has top-notch bouncy beds, a palatial cocktail bar, large roof terrace, vitality bath and a blazing open fire. All very wink wink.
Rates on request, corinthia.com/en/hotels/london
The Berkeley, Knightsbridge
For: intense luxe pleasure
Sauce rating: 5/5
This luxury hotel’s brand new signature suite is as sexy as they come. Masterminded by designer Andre Fu, the private mega-apartment will bring a sort of decadent je ne sais quoi to your night of steamy passion. The bathroom is worth a special mention. The award-winning Fu has excelled himself. There are mirrors just about everywhere, so you can admire your beautiful selves in the most voyeuristic ways imaginable.
Then there’s the huge walk-in shower and free-standing Japanese bath. Oh, the bath! Elsewhere, there’s a private balcony with comfortable chairs should you want to continue the party al fresco.
Rates on request, the-berkeley.co.uk
