Culture

Signs That You’re Not Ready to Become a Spy


You don’t look great in black.

You only speak one language, and you do so poorly.

When you eavesdrop on a conversation, you can’t help but interject and offer advice.

You think that the Kremlin is a dive bar in the East Village.

Trenchcoats have been triggering for you ever since you got Rickrolled.

Martinis make you gassy.

High-speed chases would be tough because you hate driving fast and also because you only have a learner’s permit, and it’s expired. You could probably attempt a car chase, but only if it took place in the parking lot of a Home Depot.

You prefer not to do much international travel because of the environmental impact.

You would start every dossier with the line, “I spy, with my little eye . . .”

You have trouble remembering if the U.S. is the good guy or the bad guy.

You’re a Pisces.

If tasked with finding the mole in your organization, your strategy would be to avoid making plans with the suspects and to ignore all their texts, because sometimes ghosting is better than confrontation.

You’re incapable of choosing a pseudonym that isn’t just an anagram of your real name.

Based on your dating history, you tend to fall for cat owners, but you never notice when they start stroking their cats and muttering, “Ah, yes, the plutonium will be mine.”

Your pants are really swishy.

You could never shoot a gun because you can’t even throw a dart without it somehow hitting you in the face. Also, you’re a pacifist.

You don’t like wearing a wire under your shirt because it tickles.

You use the same password (“spyguy123”) for all your accounts, even after they’ve been breached.

You’re supposed to avoid stressful situations because your blood pressure is slightly elevated, according to the squeezy arm thing at CVS.

You couldn’t maintain eye contact if your life depended on it.

All the photos you take are super blurry.

You have no practical skills, so it’d be hard to come up with a believable cover job, unless it was “bass player who only knows one chord.”

If you ever had to pose as a double agent, you would end up joining the other side because they seem to really value your work and you need that kind of encouragement in your life right now.

Whenever you wear any type of disguise, you inexplicably slip into a Cockney accent.

You sweat uncontrollably, even in low-stakes scenarios.

You would get too distracted by the ducks at the park where you meet your handler.

You don’t have any close friends, which is good for a spy. But the reason you don’t have any friends is that, whenever someone tells you a secret, you immediately tell the entire friend group in an e-mail. And then you give everyone a computer virus because you send it from your breached Yahoo account.

You’d be willing to spill state secrets in exchange for a good night’s sleep.

The only governments you’d want to spy for are the ones that don’t spy on people.


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