Prayer for No Ground Traffic
Though I must leave for the airport at 5 P.M. on Friday,
Because my tightwad boss would not grant me an extra half-day off,
Please let my taxi get to JFK in record time,
But also let the driver not drive so recklessly
That I feel the need to text my dad that I love him.
Prayer for the Water Bottle Through Airport Security
You have given us water,
Yet You have prevented us from taking it through security.
Why?
Please let my bottle of Aquafina pass through without incident
So that I may save six dollars, plus tax,
Which I promise to spend on something good.
Prayer for the Anti-Anxiety Meds
Please let the container of pills that I grabbed from the medicine cabinet
And threw into my purse without looking
Contain at least two, but preferably four, of Your Xanax tablets,
And not just a handful of Your baby aspirin.
Prayer for the Mixing of Drugs with Alcohol
Let the alcohol that I use to wash down the Xanax tablets
With which You have so graciously blessed me
Make me out of sorts only enough to nap at a ninety-degree angle,
But not so out of sorts that the pilot has to emergency-land the plane
And wheel me off in a wheelchair.
Prayer That the Other Seats in the Row Remain Empty
You have blessed me with an empty row.
Now please let the captain shut the airplane doors,
Before some idiot boards and tries to bully me off my armrest.
And, if another must board,
Please let him have already finished
His Filet-O-Fish.
Prayer to Eat an Earth-Shattering Sandwich in Italy
In You, I find everything that my heart could desire,
But it turns out that I also desire a mind-blowing panini,
With fresh parma ham and that really creamy burrata,
The kind You have blessed us with at Murray’s, but better.
Let me find that sandwich and delight in it.
Prayer to Bankrupt Another Icelandic Airline to Keep European Discount Travellers at Bay
The papers say that there will be record travel to Italy—
Museums will be overrun, and there will be long panini lines.
Please make the hordes who had hoped to make Iceland the first stop on
an economical summer getaway
Pay dearly for that choice.
Prayer for a Great Shot of My Panini for Instagram
Let the filter I choose enhance the parma’s natural gleam,
And let no seagull swipe my panini,
Unless I catch the seagull staring directly into the camera,
Such that the photo goes viral
And gets more likes than Becca’s stupid post of a pancake
In the shape of her husband’s face.
Prayer That It Was Not a Mistake to Get the Lowest-Tier Car-Rental Insurance
I pray that it was not a mistake to skip the premium insurance package,
Despite my never having driven a Czechoslovakian station wagon—
The only automatic car on the lot—
That’s way too wide for the two-way Italian roads that should be one-way
And the ancient medieval roads
Designed for a malnourished horse.
Prayer for Forgiveness for Lying to Another Tourist
O Lord, You sent a member of Your flock to ask me for help
On how to find this great panini,
And I gave him directions to the second-highest-rated place on Yelp,
Even though I knew he wanted directions to the first.
I ask now for Your forgiveness—
But You get it, right?
Prayer for the Believable Souvenir
Let my parents believe that the wooden spoon I picked up in Newark
Is an authentic gift spoon from Tuscany,
And let them think that the box of nougat I bought for them at Gristedes
Is an authentic nougat
Made by a fifth-generation Italian nougat-maker.
Amen.
