My name is Crystil Kristyl, and I’m the owner of Crystil Kristyl’s Crystals, the first shop with stones, gems, and jewels specifically for people in their thirties. These magically imbued geomorphs have powers you can actually use in your everyday life, as long as you are no longer in your twenties.
Here are just some of the talismans I have scattered on my shelves and floor and the supernatural abilities that they will grant you, a person who is not twenty-nine anymore:
Amethyst
The power to be in your thirties and go out and have one drink without having a full hangover the next morning.
Rose Quartz
The power to resist trolling your ex’s wedding photos from your burner social-media account, which, oops, was actually your main account, whose handle is your full name.
Onyx
The power to not be labelled a freelancer at your full-time job so that your employer has to provide health care.
Jade
For immunity to being called “cringe” by Gen-Z VSCO girls online.
Sapphire
To be in your thirties and even know what VSCO girls are.
Topaz
The seerlike vision to have already binged all the shows everybody’s talking about, like the one with the business family, or the dragon one that you think got cancelled? Or did it just, like, stop? You will know for sure when you wear topaz!
Regular Small Rock
The power to throw this at someone who’s staring at you on the subway or someone who’s making a big deal about reading a book on there.
So manifest yourself at Crystil Kristyl’s Crystals as soon as you can summon the energy to get here. Totally fine if that takes weeks. I get it—it’s cold!
See you in June!
