Your shift begins when a human sees you, not when you arrive in their home.
When you scare somebody, you can no longer say, “Boo.” Our trademark for that expired. Instead, try “Woo-hoo!” or “Yowza!”
No more groaning. It makes you seem old.
All horrifying sounds must be executed in the correct order. From now on, it’s creaky floors then slamming doors.
Henceforth, you will need a vaccine passport to go between earth and the netherworld.
Sheeted ghosts, please keep the thread count under two hundred. Our budget is tight this year.
After walking through a closet door to frighten a person, please refrain from criticizing their wardrobe.
No up-close magic. We’ve been getting way too many complaints.
If you are contacted by a medium, you need to enter the encounter in the Google Doc.
Promotions will no longer be contingent on seniority, and will now be allocated on a “how much did you scare the shit out of people” basis.
No more selling ghost merch. No Hamlet doublets, no Patrick Swayze ceramics, no Ghost of Christmas Past bike chains. We’ve realized that it dilutes our brand.
If you are exorcised, you will receive only forty per cent of your annual salary.
No selfies with the person you’re trying to frighten the bejesus out of.
Sick days on Halloween will no longer be permitted. Sorry, but that’s our peak scary time, so suck it up and “be sick” in November.
No more aftershave or perfume. It seriously minimizes the element of surprise.
Vaping pens will no longer be reimbursed on your expense accounts.
No more telecommuting. The haunting-via-Zoom experiment was a dud.
Failure to adhere to new mandates will result in a trip to H.R. And it’s scary up there.
