Culture

New-Employee Contract for Our Cursed Office


By commencing employment in our cursed office, Employees agree to participate in the following rites and rituals:

I. Company Weather Policy

Employees must share their opinions about the weather. If we go even one day without mentioning it, our company and everyone in it will dissolve into a thousand grains of sand.

Employees will relinquish all understanding of how weather works. Any prior knowledge about seasonal changes will magically be wiped away upon entry into our cursed building, leading to constant shock over things such as hot days during the summer, cold days during the winter, and snow.

When it rains, Employees will suddenly look down and find themselves wearing exclusively suede, courtesy of Zagan, the pesky office poltergeist and head(s) of H.R.

II. Company Time Policy

Employees agree to believe it to be Friday when, in reality, it is Wednesday.

Employees know full well what day it is but will feign confusion so as to appease the Time Demon.

Employees must audibly exclaim that they “can’t believe it’s already the end of May!” and agree to have “no idea where the time has gone”—though Employees will know that it has been eaten by the Time Demon, whose given name we dare not speak aloud.

Employees acknowledge that time moves both slower and faster within the walls of our office. Especially if an Employee is now festering inside the Time Demon’s bowels, being driven insane by the loud tick-tock of time passing for all eternity—we warned you not to speak his name!

III. Kitchen Etiquette

Employees agree to place their dirty dishes in the dishwasher. For further details on this policy, please refer to the passive-aggressive note written in blood above the sink.

Employees will never scream when they see one of the cockroaches that live in the kitchen. Their names are Paul, John, and Joseph. Although they each left dishes in the sink and must now live out the rest of their lives as bugs, they are still valued members of our team.

IV. Office Shoe Policy

Employees understand that feet must never be placed on top of a desk in an attempt to assert dominance. The only dominant figure in this office is Zagan, who has no feet.

In a policy that has absolutely nothing to do with Zagan’s lack of feet, Employees agree that feet are a human abomination and should always remain on the floor, closest to Hell.

V. Conditions for Food Consumption

Employees must eat a salad at their desks at least twice a week. Employees recognize that the stench of salad is essential for warding off the tiny meat goblins living in our desk drawers.

Employees agree that co-workers who bring food from home will be exalted for their sacrifice and talent because they put noodles and broccoli into a plastic container. Any Employee who fails to convey proper adulation and ask for the recipe will be forced to meet with Zagan’s third head, who just had Lasik and can’t wait to tell you about it.

VI. Office Environment

Employees will choose their office persona within two weeks of beginning employment, keeping in mind that the personas of cockroach whisperer, herb specialist, and accountant who drinks his yogurt are already taken.

Employees must never allow their laughter to rise above seventy-three decibels. Any Employees caught laughing out loud in order to manipulate co-workers into asking “What’s so funny?” will be forced to feed their firstborn to Paul, John, and Joseph.

Employees acknowledge that failure to follow the terms of this agreement will result in termination and/or permanent transfiguration into a one-eyed beast with staplers for hands.

Contract valid from this date forward, until the end of eternity or whenever the company next downsizes.



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