Name: Anthony González
The book I chose to read this summer is . . .
“The Grimoire of the Coven of the Newe England,” and it is an undiscovered gem of American literature. For real undiscovered, because I found this book buried deep in the ground after my dog, Alfie, dug up the back yard at this Airbnb in Massachusetts where me, my mom, and her boyfriend, Judd, were staying this past summer.
The author of this book is . . .
Ms. Perkins, I tried looking but I couldn’t find any author. All it said on the first page was “BEWARE ye who read these pages for ye will learn the ways of Hell and in so doing renounce the God of Men.” So I guess Anonymous? Or Shakespeare.
The genre of the book is . . .
I think the genre of “The Grimoire of the Coven of the Newe England” is grimoire, or spell book. That’s my guess, because the word is in the title, and also because the whole thing is, like, fifty pages of spells with pictures of some ladies dancing naked around a fire with a demon that has a giant p*nis. I know I’m too old for picture books but I was in a bind, Ms. P! There were no other books in the house, and Mom and Judd said that maybe we could go into town to see if they had a bookstore there, but when we went the only bookstore they had there was a gas station that sold maps, books about talking to angels, and also truck nutz.
The main character in the book is . . .
I think the main character in the book is you? Like, the person reading it? Because the book is just a manual, there are no characters—unless you count the people in the illustrations. In that case, the main character is probably the p*nis demon. He’s in a lot of them.
What I liked most about the book is . . .
The illustrations. Not only do they help you understand what the spells do but they also show you some stuff I definitely can’t write about in a book report for school!
The most challenging thing about this book is . . .
The old-timey language, like the “ye”s and the “thou”s and the “give thine soule to the Prince of Darkness”es. I tried to Google “when was the grimoire of the coven of the newe england written?” but when I did a green light came out of the book and blasted my phone out of my hands and across the room. It bounced off the wall and hit Alfie in the face, killing him on the spot.
What I disliked most about the book is . . .
When the book killed my dog.
This book made me feel . . .
This book taught me . . .
A lot! Mostly the chapter called “To Re-turne a Loved One to This Realme.” I used that spell to bring back Alfie! So I learned that the world of the living and the world of the dead are closer than we thought. Plus, I recited the incantation in Latin—even though I didn’t know I could speak it! So I guess this book also taught me a third language.
The theme of this book is . . .
I would have to say rebirth, because it brought my dog back to life. Once I was done with the incantation, a storm hit our back yard and the ground opened up. A chorus of voices was chanting from below, “To bring one back, we must take one in return.” The voices were so loud that Judd came downstairs and asked what the h*ll was going on. Tough for him because the voices replied, “He will do nicely.” Then a figure appeared from the depths of the earth. It was p*nis demon! He grabbed Judd and ate him in one big gulp. This sucked because Judd was nice. Then p*nis demon turned to me and said, “It is done,” and Alfie woke up!
If I could ask the author one question, it would be . . .
Who are you? My teacher really wants me to know. Also, am I banned from Heaven now? Because, after p*nis demon took Judd, the skies cleared and p*nis demon went back below and the ground closed shut. A bright light came down from the sky and made it look like it was day. Then a figure descended. There are no words to describe what it looked like—and, trust me, I tried using all my vocab words—but I knew it was an angel. The angel grabbed the grimoire and gave me a real judgmental look as it said something in its language that I couldn’t understand. But it pointed to Heaven and made it clear that I was not welcome there. Of course, I was kicking myself for not buying that book on talking to angels, because then I could explain that I was only reading the grimoire for school! So I guess the biggest lesson I learned was that not only should you not judge a book by its cover but also you should not judge a gas-station bookstore by its truck nutz.
I would recommend this book to . . .
This book ruined my summer, my life, and I guess I can’t go to Heaven anymore, so I wouldn’t really recommend this book, but, if you wanna see illustrations of some old ladies with big boobies, you can’t miss it.