Dear Millennial,
Hello! We are thrilled to welcome you back to your apartment, now that your two-week-turned-six-month stay with your parents has—unlike the pandemic that prompted you to move home in the first place—come to an end. Many of you may find this re-re-readjustment to independent living jarring and difficult, especially those of you who somehow haven’t had to make such an adjustment since the 2008-09 economic collapse. We have, therefore, prepared a helpful list of things to keep in mind, to make this transition as smooth as possible. Enjoy!
Size: The first thing most of you will notice is that your apartment is much smaller than your parents’ home and that, unlike them with their house, you do not technically “own” it and probably never will. If this starts to bother you too much, reassure yourself that it is only because your parents came of age during the greatest economic expansion in our country’s history, whereas you came of age during two of the worst economic crises in our country’s history—and not because both of your parents decided to major in finance and you decided to major in art history. This should help put you and your four roommates more at ease.
Entertainment: You can safely resume watching movies and television shows with explicit sex scenes without having to worry about explaining to your parents why this is art and not porn.
Transportation: The bad news is that you no longer have access to your parents’ car, but the good news is that your city has a robust mass-transit system, but the bad news is that everyone is still afraid to use this mass-transit system because of the pandemic, but the good news is that most things in your city are still closed, so it’s not like you would have anywhere to go on the mass-transit system, anyway. So, we don’t know, maybe buy some Rollerblades?
Rent: Actually, even though you haven’t been living in your apartment for the past six months, you were still required to pay your rent in full that whole time, so this shouldn’t be much of an adjustment for you at all! Isn’t that great?
Food: Yeah, you’re going to have to buy groceries and cook for yourself again, which kind of sucks. Mom’s meatballs are still so good after all these years. At least there’s always takeout.
Socializing: The biggest adjustment many of you will face is the realization that, when you leave your apartment, you will no longer need to tell anyone where you are going, when you are coming back, what you are doing, whom you are seeing, and why it is totally safe for you to see them, despite the ongoing pandemic, because they’ve been really careful—plus, you guys just had all your friends over for a badminton tournament last week, so who are you to judge, anyway? This may initially feel amazing, but it could also eventually leave you starved for attention. To combat this, we recommend striking up a relationship with an older person in your building and describing your plans to him or her in extreme detail every time you’re about to leave. If your new friend resists commenting on your plans at first, make them seem riskier and riskier, until your neighbor casually mentions that it is maybe not the smartest idea to go to a warehouse rave in the middle of a pandemic. At that point, you are free to scream that just because you’re living in the same place again doesn’t mean you’re all of a sudden not an adult anymore, and storm out.
Welcome back, once again, and we sincerely hope that you enjoy your time here. Please keep these orientation materials handy for when you have to make this same transition following the Great Floods of 2023-25.
Sincerely,
A.A.R.P.
