The Democratic primary race is well under way, and some candidates have emerged as obvious front-runners, while others have failed to keep up. Marianne Williamson, frustrated by the memes she’s been reduced to online, wants to change her narrative. In an effort to level with the likes of Elizabeth Warren and her clear-cut plans for action, here Williamson has outlined her Presidential platform.
Foreign Policy
It’s very strange, watching Donald Trump interact with foreign leaders—he’s a hothead, he’s angry. It’s so clear to me that what we need is not a President who colludes with foreign adversaries for his own personal gain but rather a deity—some sort of sensual, elusive moon goddess who takes an amorphous form yet retains a delicate touch. I’m not saying that I’m that deity. I just think it would be healing for us, as a people, to be ruled by an entity, rather than, say, Donald Trump.
Closing the Wealth Gap
I live in a sprawling glass cube that overhangs a sea cliff. The gulls can see me in my most fleshly, vulnerable form, and I can see them in theirs. It’s there that I’m happiest. If raising the minimum wage and forgiving student debt affords more opportunities for Americans to live in clear ocean cubes, why wouldn’t I champion that?
Health Care
Take all the dirty money that the medical industry has made off of sick people and put that cash toward a government-funded exploration of haunted shipwrecks. I’ll explain. Have you ever been scuba-diving through a shipwreck in Bali and felt like something was just . . . off? We know so little about the spectres that live underwater. Why are they trapped there? How can we free them? I’d like to reallocate the government money that we’re spending on vaccinating children to something useful, like taking mediums underwater to ask eldritch spirits, “Who are we? Why are we all here? What dark, ancient spell was cast on our nation, and where can we find the cursed locket that will complete the prophecy?”
Gun Control
This is a complex issue for me. How do we “control”? What is “control”? Are we, as humans, really capable of controlling anything at all? With that being said, it is of the utmost, urgent importance for us to protect our children from gun violence. My resolution is simple: we need to keep our schools safe by smudging them with sage, especially the corners.
Immigration
Humans must migrate. We are wanderers. It is in our nature to move, to explore. And, if I’m lying naked and alone in the midnight desert heat, charging my crystals, illuminated only by the glow of moonlight, and Polaris summons me across a border—guess what? I’m crossing that border. Borders are arbitrary, make-believe boundaries that humans invented. We need to stop subscribing to the myth of borders.
Abortion
Why must we call it “abortion” when we could be calling it “soul reallocation”? I’m not saying a group of cells is a soul—scientifically, that’s not a thing—but cells certainly do have the potential to be occupied by a soul reincarnate. I was born from a line of prehistoric mermaids who regenerate once every two hundred years. So, have I graced this Earth numerous times? You betcha. But I won’t be labelled “selfish” for being repeatedly called to Earth—I just won’t. Sorry, what was your question?
Climate Change
I agree, we must change the climate. Some days are so cold in my glass cube! I just haven’t been able to get an electrician out there, because it’s only accessible via dinghy, and the waves have been huge lately.
