‘I want someone who is going to be nice to me – not agree with me.’
As a Conservative politician for North Yorkshire’s Scotton and Lower Wensleydale ward, councillor Tom Jones is used to the ‘never kissed a Tory’ rhetoric – he has even been rejected by dates once they have discovered his political stance.
‘It has affected my dating life a lot,’ Tom, who is 30, tells Metro.co.uk. ‘It’s often disappointing, and it’s meant I’ve had to put my politics on all my dating profiles, which isn’t really me.’
‘But then maybe I shouldn’t have chosen to be a professional Tory…,’ he muses. ‘If I used my politics as a dating strategy, I’d have to turn “woke.”‘
One particularly ‘galling’ example of his politics getting in the way of his romantic life is when he went on a date with a BBC journalist.
‘I had an amazing first date with her,’ Tom recalls. ‘I walked her home, we agreed to see each other again and texted each other the next day.’
But as soon as things were heating up between the pair, she messaged to tell him that she couldn’t continue seeing him because of her line of work.
‘Perhaps BBC bias really is a thing – even if it’s only against me,’ he jokes.
For Tom, however, whether or not someone is aligned with his political beliefs is far less important than finding someone who respects him.
‘A partner’s political affiliation has never really bothered me. That’s partly philosophical and partly practical: I don’t think that needing to share the same political opinions is any more necessary to a good relationship than, say, sharing the same opinions about art,’ he explains.
‘After a few poor choices I was looking for someone who, above all else, was going to value me, and was a kind, caring, warm person. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.’
Tom also notes that many of his political friends only date people who are also in that world, but he believes that to be a ‘huge mistake’.
‘You talk about the same things with them, you bring work home… it never ends,’ he says. ‘I wouldn’t expect my girlfriend to read or listen to any of my political work; I think it’s nice to have someone who can take you away from it.’
‘Another reason why political disagreements have never really affected my relationships is because by the time somebody is dating you, they have generally accepted who you are,’ Tom adds.
That’s not to say that he’s never had heated discussions about the P-word, though. But when he has, Tom has leaned on something he calls ‘romantic radicalisation’ – aka, framing things from a different perspective – to diffuse any tension.
‘Most of the women I’ve dated haven’t been particularly political, but have been liberal, which speaks to the increasing values divide between women (who are becoming more liberal) and men (who aren’t),’ he says.
‘Generally, what has happened is that Conquest’s First Law holds true, and as you explain issues, they come round to your way of thinking. But you do have to work hard to frame things in a different way, that appeals to different priorities.’
Dating across the political divide
According to new research from Tinder, a third of young UK singles feel that it’s important that the person they’re dating is registered to vote, and a fifth have either ended a relationship or would do so if their partner was not politically engaged.
What’s more, 60% feel strongly that the person they’re dating should respect their political opinions, a figure that increases to 65% among young women.
Likewise, figures from Bumble demonstrate that so-called ‘val-core dating’ is on the up – a term referring to the rise of people valuing engagement on issues that matter to them. Statistically, 1 in 4 Bumble users reported that it was fundamental that their partner actively engages with politics and social causes – and it actually makes them more attractive.
And, when it comes to gender, women are less open to seeing someone with differing political views. For 1 in 3 (33%), it’s a turn-off if a date is not up-to-date on current societal issues, a stat that necessitates the use of the various badges Bumble has to choose from.
Though not affiliated with any political parties, the options, which include apolitical, moderate, liberal, left and right, allow users to indicate their leanings on the political spectrum – and can inform those who deem similar political views a priority to avoid anything they’d interpret as a red flag.
And, according to new figures from Just Vote, 40% of 18–24-year-olds agreed with the idea that voting makes you hotter – quizzed on everything from voting intention to whether they’d dump a partner who didn’t vote.
So when Tom met his current girlfriend (who wishes to remain anonymous) on Hinge in January this year, it was more than okay that their political beliefs didn’t entirely match up.
She found out he was a Conservative straightaway, as it was on his dating profile. ‘I even had a picture with Rishi Sunak laughing at one of my jokes, although that was more to do with my lack of good photos to be honest,’ he laughs.
‘But at this point, anyone can just google “Councillor Tom Jones” and my Twitter offers them a self-made stream of consciousness, so there’s no point hiding.’
He concludes: ‘Neither of us were looking for someone who agreed with us. And we agree on the most important thing – that she’s brilliant.’
For 25-year-old Freya Ruth, the opposite of Tom’s experience is true: she would never knowingly date someone who voted Conservative.
‘The thing is; I think politics does show how you see the world and what your values are,’ Freya, who lives in South London, explains. ‘It’s important that I have a partner that aligns with me and shares those values politically, because that person is potentially going to be someone that I’m with for a very long time.
‘I would never knowingly date someone who voted Tory – I would go as far as saying even casually – because I would struggle to know that information and continue pursuing them,’ she adds.
Naturally then, when she first met her current boyfriend, Ieuan, Freya made sure to ‘grill’ him on political issues.
‘I feel like I had a criteria that he had to match, but that doesn’t mean we have the exact same opinion on everything. I think that’s close to impossible and I think we have different perspectives because of who we are,’ Freya adds, noting that they’ve now been together for a year and a half.
When she was studying at university, Freya feels like she was much more vocal about her political preferences, but that there was perhaps less nuance.
‘Not that it was ill-informed, but I feel like I had these strong opinions that I would have made known. Whereas I feel like mainly in this relationship I’m actually dissecting things and talking about the world in a way that I maybe didn’t in previous relationships. I feel like we didn’t really have that healthy debate,’ she explains.
‘I feel super done with the state of the world and sometimes I do feel a bit apathetic, but it’s important to engage still.’
On that note, another dating ‘ick’ for Freya is people who don’t vote at all or who aren’t registered to vote.
‘In a lot of situations it’s a massive privilege to not engage in politics and to not vote, and from my perspective as a woman, there was a time when I wouldn’t have been allowed to vote based on my sex,’ Freya says.
‘As well as that, some people have no choice in their lives but to be political, so I think it’s a massive privilege to just disengage and really off-putting from a dating perspective.’
This also rings true for 23-year-old Louisa Carron, who likes to avoid people who describe themselves as ‘non-political.’
‘While I don’t mind some political disagreement, it is generally important to me to find someone who shares similar values to me – especially on issues like reproductive and queer rights, which I care deeply about,’ Louisa, who lives in London but is also a US citizen, shares.
‘In America, reproductive and queer rights have come under attack since Trump, and I couldn’t date someone who didn’t share my frustration at the overturning of Roe v Wade, or at the anti-LGBTQ+ bills recently enacted in Florida,’ she adds.
Why does politics impact our romantic decisions?
As Dr Caroline West, Bumble’s sex and relationships expert, explains: ‘Being involved in social causes often indicates a person’s values, allowing potential matches to identify common interests, gauge compatibility, and foster a deeper connection beyond surface-level attraction.
‘In addition, being engaged with social causes demonstrates a person’s empathy and compassion, which when coupled with investment (whether time, money, or other resources), indicates a commitment to making the world a better place.
‘People actively involved in social causes are also reported to be likely to have higher emotional intelligence, which is important given that people are seeking kindness and empathy in a partner.’
But when people don’t agree, that can sometimes cause conflict, as seen in the field of family law. Attorney Benson Varghese explains that political differences are increasingly divisive – and can even end in divorce.
‘As a divorce lawyer and the founder of my law firm, I’ve seen firsthand how politics can negatively impact personal relationships. I deal with all kinds of divorce cases, from couples with a lot of money and assets to fights over child custody. I’ve witnessed how clashing political views can really strain a marriage and even lead to its end,’ Benson tells Metro.co.uk.
‘We’ve had cases where a couple’s political beliefs directly or indirectly led them to divorce. In states like North Carolina, where I practice, couples can get divorced by simply saying they can’t get along anymore without assigning blame to one side,’ he adds.
Benson has also noticed some regional patterns; he believes that in the US, divorce rates tend to be higher in conservative ‘red’ states compared to more liberal ‘blue’ states.
‘Politics is intertwined with relationships more than ever these days,’ he concludes.
In terms of her relationship history, Louisa has dated people who have been politically disengaged before, as well as people who belonged in a ‘different political camp’ to her.
‘Ironically, I found that more conflicts arose with my partner who didn’t take an active interest in politics,’ Louisa, who describes herself as left-wing, notes.
‘To me, some of the most interesting conversations are borne out of disagreement; I might hold a different view from you on a certain topic, but hearing your perspective may help me to gain some nuance on the issue, and vice versa.
‘Having the right to vote and the opportunity to participate in the democratic process is such a privilege, and not exercising that right is a dealbreaker for me,’ she concludes.
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