Culture

If You Give a Mouse a Routine Checkup


If you give a mouse a routine checkup, you might discover that he needs a minor surgical procedure.

When you give a mouse surgery, he’s probably going to receive a hospital bill.

When he receives a hospital bill, he is probably going to try to pay it through his insurance Web site. It makes sense that if he’s using his H.S.A. it would go through insurance, right? How is he supposed to know that a statement of benefits isn’t an actual bill from his doctor? He’s a mouse.

And, three months after the poor sap is convinced that he’s paid his bill, he’s going to get another bill, because it turns out the hospital bill and doctor bill and anesthesiologist bill are all different bills, and he hasn’t even actually paid the anesthesiologist or doctor bills, just emptied his H.S.A., which he didn’t realize because, again, he’s a mouse.

So the mouse is probably going to call his insurance to figure out why they’re not covering the anesthesiologist. When he calls about his anesthesiologist bill, he is probably going to be put on hold.

Once he is no longer on hold, the insurance representative is going to tell him that she actually can’t help him, because the number he dialled is for customer service, not claims. So she transfers him, at which point he is probably going to be put on hold again.

Wow, this person is really taking a long time to pick up.

When the next insurance representative finally picks up, he will immediately inform the mouse that the insurance company can’t help with this bill and that he will have to contact the hospital directly.

When he hears this, the mouse will probably ask, “Well, then why did I wait on hold for you, if you can’t do anything?” To which the insurance representative will have no answer.

And this will probably begin a weeks-long process of being shuttled back and forth between billing departments, none of which can help the mouse but all of which know the number of the department that they say definitely can. At the end of this process, the mouse will still be out thousands of dollars on a surgeon whom he picked specifically because he was in-network.

Also, the psychic toll on the mouse has been unimaginable. He now hates America.

And, because he is broke and cynical, he’s probably going to drag his feet on booking his follow-up appointment. He’s already in student-loan debt and would rather not add medical debt to the equation.

And, because he waits a little too long, he isn’t going to heal properly, so when he does make it the doctor’s office the surgeon is going to tell him that he needs a revision surgery.

And, when he gets his revision surgery, he is probably going to get a hospital bill with it.



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