Animals

'If I can pay for dog food, everything is fine': comedians on their pets


Kiri Pritchard-McLean: ‘He’s sweet, but the thickest dog I have ever had’

Comedians are needy, so of course we get dogs – they’re always pleased to see you. My cardigan corgi suits me: short legs, Welsh, doesn’t like walking. He’s called Ci, which is Welsh for “dog”. He’s so sweet, but the thickest dog I have ever had. Weapons-grade stupid. His fur is blue merle and other mad colours, as if he has been Frankensteined together from different types of dog. We say he is like a pig dressed as a fox that thinks he’s a dog. He snuffles like a pig and has a tail like a fox. People see him and say: “Oh! What … is … this?!”

Being responsible for another living thing is never a bad idea. I had a breakup, but still had to get out, walk the dog every day and take care of him. I walked for miles to sort my head out under the pretence that I was looking after the dog. This job can mess with your head, but as long as I have enough money to pay for dog food everything is fine.

My brother always asks to borrow him because women gravitate towards the dog. I think Ci will be on the farm in Wales over the summer. That sounds like it’s code for a dog having died, but he will actually be on a farm in Wales. In Edinburgh, I’m staying up four flights of stairs. When you have legs that are an inch long, stairs are not your friend. Plus, he doesn’t need the stress of that festival – it’s bad enough for us. Kiri Pritchard-McLean is at Monkey Barrel Comedy, Edinburgh

Ray Badran: ‘Our peacock just appeared in our cul-de-sac’

It’s pretty majestical to have a pet peacock. He just appeared in our cul-de-sac in Wollongong, Australia. My dad called him Tom. He lives between four houses, and has been there for 25 years. One day, I saw him and called out: “Tom!” Another neighbour shouted: “Marmaduke!” I realised we had all given him different names. He must have a frazzled personality from it.

There’s a lot of passive aggression among the neighbours about whose he is. One day, we came home and Dad was covered in cuts and scratches. Turned out he had tried to give Tom a hug. Ray Badran is at Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh

Suzi Ruffell and Velma Kelly.



Suzi Ruffell and Velma Kelly. Photograph: Courtesy: Suzi Ruffell

Suzi Ruffell: ‘I cleaned her off with baby wipes at Tibshelf services’

Velma Kelly is a cornish rex. If you’re a fan of musical theatre, you’ll know that’s a character in Chicago. (If not, get a life.) I wanted a cat that behaved like a dog because I wanted a dog, but didn’t have time to walk one. I drove to Yorkshire to get her. It was love at first sight for me; she was uninterested at best. Off we went down the M1 to start our new life together. Twenty minutes later, Velma did a very runny poo, fell into it then threw up. Presumably because of the smell and overwhelming shame. I cleaned her off with baby wipes at Tibshelf services.

Velma has been a constant through good times and bad. She has been there crying for food when she already has some in her bowl, snuggling with me on the sofa and defecating in a box in the corner. I love her to bits. Suzi Ruffell is at Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh

Jenny Bede and Buttons.



Jenny Bede and Buttons. Photograph: Michael Bowles/Rosie Collins

Jenny Bede: ‘At the park, he humps all the other dogs … I’m his humping accomplice’

Buttons is a bichon frise and something between baby and boyfriend. At the park, he will hump all the other dogs. It got so bad that people started to leave when we arrived. It’s gross – like I’m his humping accomplice.

This year, Buttons is on my Edinburgh poster. The photographer had a gorgeous schnauzer, and they played nonstop. It’s amazing we got any photos done. He once bounded on to the stage at a gig, and I picked him up. You don’t need to say anything funny if you have a dog in your arms. People aren’t listening.

We gave Buttons a surname: Lumbertubs. There’s a road with that name in Northampton, where we got him. When you call the vet, they take the dog’s name and say: “Surname?” I always forget they mean my name. “Yes, it’s Lumbertubs …” Jenny Bede is at Just the Tonic at the Mash House

Tony Law: ‘The dog thinks the rabbit is his puppy’

My wife and I have twins who are 10 and we live in a tiny flat with a big, black German shepherd, Wulfy. What else does this family need? A rabbit, obviously. Woodstock’s cage is in the sitting room, I do my comedy writing in the corner, and Wulfy is usually on the sofa. This year, I wanted to change direction and get political. But I’m surrounded by these animals, so it is more surreal than ever. I’m trying to teach myself how to play the guitar. Every song is about Woodstock.

Wulfy will lie next to the cage and they touch noses. I wrote a song about me panicking that I’ve left them together. Wulfy does go into the cage and eat Woodstock’s poos as if they’re sweeties. He thinks Woodstock is his puppy. Tony Law is at Monkey Barrel, Edinburgh

Stevie Martin with Dr Alison Parker.



Stevie Martin with Dr Alison Parker. Photograph: Idil Sukan

Ed Byrne: ‘He is always falling off things. Aren’t cats supposed to have a sense of balance?’

My cat is like a shadow: black and always at your feet. But Shadow is a bit too superhero-y as a name, too serious. So we called him Shadwell. He is amusing and infuriating in equal measures. He is always falling off things. Aren’t cats supposed to have some sense of balance? If your cat started behaving this way, you’d think there was something wrong with it. I did a routine about him in my show Crowd Pleaser. The premise was that we are nicer to animals than we are to each other. I mean, we found the cat by our bins and now it lives with us. You wouldn’t do that with a person, would you? Ed Byrne is at the Assembly Rooms, Edinburgh

Stevie Martin: ‘She’ll spend August in a tortoise hotel’

My mum presented me with a rescue tortoise. Dr Alison Parker is the perfect flatmate: quiet, polite and only wees on the floor once or twice a week. Everyone thinks tortoises are boring, but that’s because the classic “shove them in the garden” approach makes them depressed. If they get enough UVB light, the right sort of weeds and regular baths, they want to investigate everything. Mine is no stranger to comedy. She starred in Adam Riches’ 2017 Christmas show The Beakington Town Hall Murders. It’s coming to Edinburgh this year, minus Alison. It was too expensive to register her as a performer – she’ll spend August in a tortoise hotel. Stevie Martin is at the Underbelly Bristo Square, Edinburgh

John Pendal: ‘When I lose the audience, I just hold up a cat photo’

I’ve got two rescue cats, Lizzy and Tommy. Most of the time she is called Queen Elizabeth and he is Sticky Tinker because he comes in with dirty paws and she is very regal. At Christmas, Lizzy jumped on to the table, got in the middle of the centrepiece and made herself a tinsel nest, as if to say: “I am the reason you celebrate Christmas!”

Sometimes I lose the audience because I say something outside their comfort zone. When that happens, I go to a stack of cat photos I keep on stage. I hold one up and it always wins them back. John Pendal is at Gilded Balloon Teviot, Edinburgh

Luisa Omielan and Bernie.



Luisa Omielan and Bernie. Photograph: Luisa Omielan

Luisa Omielan: ‘She is registered as my emotional support dog’

When my mum was dying of cancer, I put in a reservation for a bernese mountain dog. After such a horrific experience, I wanted the most beautiful, ridiculous, gorgeous thing. I had never had a dog before. I drove for seven hours to pick her up. She is phenomenal. She is registered as my emotional support dog. After my mum died, I honoured a commitment to tour my show Am I Right, Ladies? and I took Bernie with me. I went on to the stage in Bath and was trying to do my thigh-gap joke, but I just wasn’t able to. I was struggling. Then I could hear this scratching at the door and it was Bernie. I brought her on and started telling the audience about why I got her, and about my mum’s cancer journey. People really started responding. That developed into the show Politics for Bitches, which the BBC bought as a documentary. It only happened because of Bernie. She has been amazing for me. I adore her. Luisa Omielan is at the Gilded Balloon Teviot, Edinburgh

Susan Calman: ‘We bought a bigger house so the cats could have more space’

We have five rescue cats. We take the ones no one else wants. They all stay indoors because of various health problems. We bought a bigger house so the cats could have more space. It’s an extraordinary reason to get hugely into debt. The cats inspire what I write, but are also incredible company; they sit at the desk when I’m writing. People say that cats from different litters won’t mix, but they are the best of friends. The eldest is called Pickle Kylie Joyce Grenfell. Then there are two pairs of sisters: Daisy Fay Harper (named after a character in a Fannie Flag novel) and DCI Jane Tennison (from Prime Suspect); Dr Abigail Bartlet (from The West Wing) and Olivia Pope (from the TV show Scandal).

Olivia loves stealing tampons. One day, I was talking to the builder and she trotted up and dropped a tampon at my feet, as if it were a present. Abigail is tiny – the runt of the litter. My wife is obsessed with her – they spoon. Have you ever been excluded from your own bed by your wife and the cat? It’s ridiculous. Susan Calman is at the BBC’s Blue Tent, Edinburgh

Anna Drezen and Lady Bird.



Anna Drezen and Lady Bird. Photograph: Anna Drezen

Anna Drezen: ‘She jumped on my lap, sneezed, farted and ran away’

Talk about my dog? That is the only conversation I ever want to have. I’m filling out all the forms so I can take her from Brooklyn to Edinburgh. I have to prove she has had a rabies vaccination and is microchipped. They don’t want chihuahuas with rabies running around the Scottish countryside. Her name is Lady Bird, after the former first lady of the US. She’s a chihuahua-terrier mix with a chocolate-coloured patch around her eyes – it looks like a fascinator, as if she is going to a royal wedding.

Soon after I got her, I had a bad day and came home crying. She jumped on my lap and I thought she’d lick my tears away, like a classic Norman Rockwell moment. Instead, she sneezed, farted and ran away.

I used to do jokes about her, but realised I was really just excited to talk about my dog. I’d look at the audience and be like: “Oh God, that’s the face of a bored co-worker.” She doesn’t like it when I write sketches at home. She just needs me to be staring at her. I try to explain that writing is how I buy the dog food. I’ve had to get a dog-sitter in the run-up to Edinburgh so I can finish writing the show. Anna Drezen is at Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh

Aditi Mittal: ‘I don’t know when Jack was born, but he behaves like a Capricorn’

When I walk home, I play with the puppies on the street. Three years ago, one called Jack followed me home. My mother refused to let him in, so now he comes over once a day to the steps of our building for food and vigorous tummy rubs. The rest of his schedule includes earnestly licking his testicles and liaising with the other dogs for late-night barking sessions. I don’t know when Jack was born, but he behaves like a Capricorn – he is gentle, loves candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and humans. He’s currently single. Aditi Mittal is at Assembly George Square, Edinburgh

Jake Lambert and Richard Parker.



Jake Lambert and Richard Parker.

Jake Lambert: ‘I thought I’d give a kitten a better life. Then he got shot in the head’

My sister’s cat had kittens, so I rescued one. I thought I’d given him a better life, but then he got shot in the head. He came home one day and was crying by the back door. One of his eyes was all bloody. I took him to the vet and they said the pellet was still in his skull. I’d named him Richard Parker, after the tiger from Life of Pi. A cat is just a tiger for your living room, isn’t it? Later, I called up the vet, they asked the cat’s name and I said Richard Parker. They said: “We’ve got two on our system.” I said mine was the one with one eye. They replied: “They’re both spelled the same.” Jake Lambert is at Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh

Ian McCulloch and Clara Cupcakes.



Ian McCulloch and Clara Cupcakes. Photograph: Courtesy: Elf Lyons

Elf Lyons: ‘Don’t ever tell me they’re hamsters’

I never used to understand why new parents would show you pictures of their kids. And then I got guinea pigs. Now, any opportunity I have, I’m showing them off on my phone. I rescued them a couple of weeks after I’d been ill and had spinal surgery. I wanted something to look after. They’re called Ian McCulloch and Clara Cupcakes, named after the singer and an Australian clown who is phenomenal at hula-hooping. After I got them, I hid away with them for a week. They run free around my bedroom and make such beautiful little noises. When they get excited, they sprint and do a little flip in the air. It’s the most joyous thing I have ever witnessed – and I’ve lived with animals my whole life. Don’t even dare tell me they’re hamsters. That’s so offensive. Elf Lyons is touring

Angela Barnes: ‘I realise I am bringing up a middle-class dog’

Angela Barnes and Tina Belcher.



Angela Barnes and Tina Belcher. Photograph: Angela Barnes

My dog is called Tina Belcher, named after my favourite cartoon character from Bob’s Burgers. She has changed my life. I have more time because my days start at 7am instead of 10am. I go out rain or shine because she needs walking, and that is so good for me. Sometimes, as a comic, you realise you haven’t left the house – or got out of your pyjamas – for three days. She is the best company because she never bangs on about herself. I have realised that I am bringing up a middle-class dog. She eats much more healthily than I do and goes to puppy school in Brighton. I have spent a fortune on training toys and the right food. But she is worth every penny. Angela Barnes is touring

Rose Matafeo: ‘He’s a handsome cat from a certain angle; from others he’s a torpedo tubster’

We never had pets growing up. The only way we were going to get one was by accident. That’s how we got Burt Bachacat. My then boyfriend wanted a cat. We adopted one and it lived in his apartment. When he went away, the cat came to my house and stayed. My mother moved out and the cat went to my brother’s. My brother moved country and the cat moved to my nan’s.

My nan hates cats, but is obsessed with Burt. She’ll share a picture of a dead rat with an essay about how she’s so proud because Burt brought it home. He still has the hunting instinct – even though he’s about 14 and has a swinging sack belly. He’s such a handsome cat from a certain angle; from others he’s a torpedo tubster. Burt is scared of feet, doesn’t like being picked up and hates the Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack. I think he’s bi because we were watching Avengers: Endgame and I’ve never seen a cat look at anything as intently as he watched Captain America’s butt. Rose Matafeo is at Pleasance Beyond, Edinburgh



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