Do you think part of why you’re so precious about it now is because you were so unhappy with the music the first time around?
“Maybe a bit, and perhaps subliminally because for a long time I felt a sense of… embarrassment isn’t the word, but I wanted to let that part of my life go and forget those times, because it was very hard. I didn’t feel connected to myself then.”
Looking back at that early YouTube era, are there any positive memories?
“I learned a lot. If I hadn’t been in the industry from a young age, I wouldn’t have the knowledge I have now. I wouldn’t have the aspirations I have, because I had to take that leap — who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t done YouTube. Singing was something I was always good at, and it has always made me happy. Anyone can look at that and laugh, I get it, but I was a 15-year-old kid who was getting millions of views and it was an exciting moment for me. So to regret it doesn’t make any sense as it’s formed who I am.”
Was it hard trying to figure out who you were, both as an artist and as a person, and do it in public?
“Absolutely. We all have a sense of who we are and who we really are. We’re afraid of making fools of ourselves, so we create this persona to live up to people’s expectations. It’s such a scary feeling to wake up one day and feel like you don’t even know how to make a decision because you don’t know what you do or don’t like.”
When did you realise things had to change?
“I was on a plane back to LA from Detroit, and I was talking to my manager at the time and she was the one person, outside my family, who was there for me. I said, ‘I know how deep in this hole I am in right now [is] and in order to get out, I have to make a move now.’ That was in 2013. Then three years went by until I was completely out of any [record] deal.”
When you were going through all the legalities with your previous label and management, did you ever think about giving up on music?
“I definitely considered doing something else, but in my heart I knew there was nothing else I wanted to do. I would rather be dead broke and scared, but doing what makes me happy than feeling regretful in a steady job. I would have been really sad.”
You came out in 2016. Did your songwriting evolve once you were being true to yourself?
“Coming out unlocked something in me, it allowed me to be honest. I knew my sexuality didn’t fit in with everything [my wider family] believe, so I’d considered that they wouldn’t like it. I was being protective, not only of myself but also of my family. My parents had my back and they still do. But I grew up religious and for a long time, I thought the way my family perceived homosexuality, or queer people in general, was a certain way, but when I came out I realised I’d been completely wrong.”
How is it now?
“They want to know way too much about my personal life… They need to relax!”
What would your message be to your younger self, going through all that?
(Thinks for a while) “I would just say, ‘Carry the fuck on.’”
Dreaming Of David is out now
This article originally appeared on Vogue.com.
