We’re all entitled to a relationship dynamic that suits us – whether it’s casual sex, monogamy or anything in between – but it can be hard to find someone on the same page.
In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader who wants casual, no-strings-attached sex after a rough breakup.
However, he’s finding it frustrating that the women he’s having sex with want more than a ‘good time’.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman who found her Mr Right, only to discover he’s married with young kids.
The problem…
I was with my girlfriend from the ages of 15 to 25, but in all honesty, we should have split up five years before we did. We met so young and just drifted into some weird sister-brother relationship, where neither of us knew how to end it.
Anyway, it turned out that she met a guy at work and that gave her the incentive to leave me. When it first happened I felt devastated, but as time passed, I realised that actually only my ego was seriously hurt and the rest of me was okay.
I’ve spent the last year making up for lost time and having sex with any female who shows the slightest bit of interest. My mates all take the mickey out of me, but I’m happy because this is the life I should have been living a long time ago. If I wanted a steady girlfriend, I could have one.
You might think that in 2024 girls would be up for no-strings-attached sex as much as us lads, but that isn’t always the case. A lot of women I meet seem to want to ‘fix’ me, and can’t accept that all I want is a good time in bed and that’s it.
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More than once, I’ve met girls who ended up being really clingy and annoying, when they knew from the outset that I wasn’t looking for anything serious.
All I want at this moment in my life is a sex buddy, but I can’t seem to find one.
The advice…
I had to read your email twice because I couldn’t really work out what your problem is. You can’t find a sex buddy, is that it? If that’s all you’re worried about, I believe there are plenty of attractive women out there who will happily have a one-night-stand with you – you might just have to be prepared to pay.
Other than that, if you’re expecting girls to simply jump into bed with you whenever you’re feeling horny, you might be disappointed. A lot of them will want something more.
Having sex with ‘any female who shows the slightest bit of interest’ doesn’t really make you sound very appealing. I know you say you’re making up for lost time, but you need to think about the feelings of the people you sleep with. If it’s obvious to you that they’re looking for more than casual sex then don’t just use and discard them; keep looking.
I wonder whether you actually do want a loving relationship, but after splitting up with your ex, you’re afraid to venture beyond that first burst of passion. Whatever you say, being dumped after 10 years is not something most people could just brush off.
Maybe what you actually need is not so much a sex buddy, but a good therapist who can help you unravel your emotions. If it turns out that what you really want is sex and nothing more, it’s out there in various guises – although it may not always be free.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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