A reader asks Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan for advice on how she can get the spark back into her marriage… and the bedroom, as she looks to tackle a sex drought
Dear Coleen, My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have always got on brilliantly – we share the same sense of humour and interests, we’re supportive of one another and we’re on the same page as parents. We very rarely argue over anything.
However, I feel so sad about the lack of physical affection in my marriage, not to mention the sex drought.
He’s never really been that into sex, although when we first got together we did do it regularly, and even though it was never particularly adventurous, it was still good.
He never thinks of hugging me and he never initiates sex. I’m always the tactile one, but I’ve given up trying to get things going in the bedroom.
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comments below
We did have a big heart-to-heart about sex recently and I admitted that the lack of it made me feel unattractive and sad. I think this hurt him, but he just said he never really thinks about it as we’ve been together so long, and that we’ve fallen into a habit of not making the effort to have sex.
I think this is true, but I think that’s down to him – he stopped trying and eventually so did I.
I’d love your advice.
I think when you haven’t had sex in a while it can feel really awkward to initiate it, so you don’t and then the cycle just continues. I believe the more you do it, the more you want it and the more natural it is.
In any long-term relationship you have to make the effort to keep things going, so your husband is right about that. I don’t think it’s impossible to get your sex life back on track if you’re both prepared to put in the effort and if it’s what you both want.
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In every other respect, you seem to have a great relationship.
But I think it has to start outside the bedroom, so talk about what you can do to reconnect – flirty texts, a hug or a kiss for no reason, a compliment about how you look, a night off from the kids.
These small gestures go a long way to rebuilding intimacy and desire so the prospect of sex is far less awkward.
It might be worth him seeing his GP to check there’s no physical reason for his lack of libido.
There’s also the option of seeing a psychosexual counsellor who can give the pair of you “homework” to do between sessions.