Culture

How You Know You’ve Made It, by City


Los Angeles

You live inside the Hollywood sign with six rescue Chihuahuas, who only drink Essentia ionized water and eat Beyond Meat. Everything in your home is minimalist but littered with award statues. You’re a walking, talking, Pilates-doing Instagram goal. But you quit the app for good, to focus on “humanness,” whatever that means.

Portland

You had a cameo in “Portlandia” and own a bicycle, a unicycle, and another bicycle. You maintain a well-oiled beard and know exactly which doughnut shop to go to (not that one). You make a vegan breakfast burrito that’s so delicious and full of highly enriched riboflavin that one can hardly taste the shame you feel for working in advertising.

Miami

You’re tanned but, like, in the most impossibly even way, and you still somehow look young enough to be carded at Enterprise Rent-A-Car. You take trips to the Bahamas just for the ’gram and then fly back the same day to party at a night club where the bouncer’s name is Rocco. You drive a speedboat everywhere (when your private plane is on loan to DJ Khaled).

Cleveland

You live in Cleveland. You haven’t made it.

San Francisco

You just closed a five-hundred-and-ten-billion-dollar Series K round of venture-capital funding for your cryptocurrency startup, DoucheCoin. The influx of cash has allowed you to become the proud new owner of a two-hundred-and-fifty-square-foot studio apartment in Nob Hill, which only set you back three billion dollars. You drive a 2007 Toyota Prius. (It’s part of your self-made mythos.)

Nashville

Your alternative-folk-country-fusion band has performed at every music venue in town. People know you as the singer-songwriter to shoot whiskey with, before ending up at a hot-chicken joint. Your cowboy hat is as big and white as the moon, which is why you need to transport it in the flatbed of your pickup truck. You own a country ham signed by Kings of Leon.

Chicago

You’re a star member of three main-stage improv teams at Second City and the iO Theater, and you serve as the on-call entertainment for the best deep-dish establishment in town (not that one or the other one). Your main source of income is laughter and your biggest expense is sausages, but, if you ever need some extra cash, you know you can always become a placekicker for “da Bears.” You’re Chicago through and through, even though you technically grew up in Evanston.

Las Vegas

You’re the most convincing Elvis in town and feel totally happy with your life, despite being on your fourth marriage. David Copperfield and Criss Angel are competing to be your best friend.

Austin

It’s unclear what “making it” in Austin looks like, since it’s still being gentrified by Silicon Valley burnouts and assholes.

New York

After spending just enough time making short films backed by your friends and family from Cleveland, while living in a rent-controlled apartment directly above a slice shop where everyone knows your name but calls you “boss” anyway, you have no choice but to move to Los Angeles and become rich, famous, and Instagram goals, whatever that means.



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