00:02
Hi, I’m Danny Devito, I’m doing the New Yorker
00:05
cartoon caption contest.
00:08
Okay, this guy looks like a Charles Dickens’ version
00:12
of Saint Peter and this guy down here making his way
00:17
into the, doesn’t look exactly
00:20
like very inviting Pearly Gates.
00:26
Okay, I know you’re trying to keep people out,
00:29
but if you find my hat let me know.
00:32
[excited drumbeats]
00:36
This is why they do this and I don’t.
00:41
All right so we’re looking at a coffin,
00:43
and two people are discussing a dead person.
00:47
And there’s like this sickle thing coming out.
00:50
[mellow jazz music]
00:54
It says the old fart did enough damage,
00:58
Let’s go celebrate. [chuckles]
01:04
Shut the coffin and let’s go home.
01:06
[excited drumbeats]
01:11
Why am I so afraid of getting a paper cut here?
01:14
[Woman] Because it hurts!
01:15
It really does hurt.
01:16
Have you had any lately?
01:19
Okay I’m looking at two people in bed,
01:22
and they’ve got some kind of helmets on.
01:24
Okay, can I be dirty?
01:28
[mellow jazz music]
01:33
I want to add one for it in the front.
01:37
Baby, Chernobyl really has fucked over our sex life.
01:43
It’s like hard to do because you can’t see it
01:46
but the protective suits go all the way down
01:49
[excited drumbeats]
01:53
Now, what am I seeing?
01:55
These guys are standing in front of these shapes
01:57
that could be construed as a couple things.
02:02
I mean, they look like urinals, right?
02:05
I chose something else.
02:08
And this guy looks like he might in the superhero
02:12
business and who the hell knows about the other guy.
02:16
But anyway, it says I piss on gravestones all the time,
02:21
but I’m a superhero, what’s your excuse?
02:25
[excited drumbeats]
02:32
with the paper. That was close.
02:33
So I’m looking at a guy in a white coat
02:36
and a guy in a rat suit making notations,
02:41
looking at a bunch of rats in a cage.
02:49
The blenders are broken.
02:50
What do we do with the excess rodents?
02:55
[excited drumbeats]
02:57
A nice rodent smoothie is really good, you know?
03:03
With a little roach sauce thrown on the top.
03:06
Me, I have to be from New York to understand this one.
03:10
Oh, this is a good one.
03:13
Okay, so I’m looking at four parrots
03:17
at a table, one of ’em is talking.
03:20
This guy looks really worried.
03:21
[mellow jazz music]
03:34
I ran out of paper, but I remember what I said.
03:36
You guilty on of a bitch.
03:39
We’re gonna rip your head off and put it on the wall
03:43
with the other traitor parrots.
03:45
Asshole traitor parrots.
03:47
These are all traitor parrots and that’s what they do.
03:51
They’re not really pictures, they’re their heads.
03:53
Actual heads on the wall.
03:58
[excited drumbeats]
04:06
We’ve got a rooster and a duck.
04:10
[mellow jazz music]
04:18
Everybody knows it’s a dysfunctional family.
04:23
Let’s fuck our feathers off before mom and dad gets home.
04:31
Let’s do it right now.
04:32
[excited drumbeats]
04:37
It’s a jail, obviously.
04:40
There’s two guys and it looks like a girl in the middle.
04:45
There’s a guy with his hand in his pocket,
04:47
looks like the CEO of the prison.
04:53
[mellow jazz music]
05:00
It’s ain’t goin’ down.
05:04
Okay, this is like a boring one, I’m sorry, it’s me,
05:08
it’s not the picture, the picture is great.
05:10
Productivity is in the shitter.
05:12
One by one you’re doing down.
05:17
That’s not a good one.
05:17
Okay, let’s move on.
05:18
[excited drumbeats]
05:25
Well, we’re in bed with a looks like a guy with antlers.
05:34
And he’s reading, some newspaper, I can’t read it.
05:39
Does it have words on it?
05:45
[mellow jazz music]
05:49
Okay, it says here that there are side effects
05:53
and if the hair stays the boner stays.
05:58
I actually didn’t see his other foot.
06:02
[repeated drumbeats]
06:05
Oh that is, that is good.
06:08
Again, once again we’re up in a beautiful high rise
06:11
somewhere in Manhattan with the one percent.
06:14
This guy’s really huffy.
06:17
Look at the, like a whole boardroom full of people,
06:20
but they’re not bored obviously,
06:21
they’re having a good time.
06:24
[mellow jazz music]
06:29
Okay, if I can read my writing.
06:34
Me and Harry are snapping up Mildred and Florence
06:38
so I guess it’s you, Joe and Pete again.
06:43
You see, that’s Mildred and Florence,
06:47
And then so, it’s him and Joe and Pete don’t have mates
06:53
so they have to do it.
06:55
And by the way, there’s acid in the punch.
06:57
[excited drumbeats]
07:01
Hi, I’m Danny Devito,
07:03
and this was a cartoon caption contest,
07:05
where there are no winners, only shitty jokes.
