If it’s dipped in rose gold or is mid-century-looking, it’s probably cool.
If it’s vintage but not antique—i.e., it belonged to your mom in the seventies but would look really lame on her now—it’s cool.
If it will get you a hundred likes on Instagram, it’s really cool.
If it wants you to say some weird spell so that you can get even more Instagram likes, it’s still sort of cool.
If it asks you to sacrifice a piece of your soul for ten thousand followers, it’s kind of cool. I mean, come on—more followers are dope.
If it possesses your body, sounds like you, and acts like you, but is definitely not you, it’s . . . cool?
If it makes you enact a strange ritual, then laughs maniacally and floats off into the darkness, it’s definitely not cool.
If it initiates rolling blackouts across large cities, takes over major corporations, and possesses politicians, it’s kind of cool again.
If it unites other demons into a global demonic superpower—initially sowing chaos but slowly rebuilding a better, more orderly world—it’s cool.
If it finds you decades later, declares its love for you, and tells you that it wants to marry you, it’s honestly kind of lame.
If it says “psych!” and steals another piece of your soul, it’s kind of cool again.
If you and the demon marry, but then years pass and you begin to fight about how all it does anymore is sit at home and play apocalyptic video games, it’s not cool.
If you repeatedly ask it to take out the flaming trash pile in the kitchen and it doesn’t, maybe you’re the one being lame. Just, like, chill.
If you long for the ambitious demon you used to know—the kind of demon that doesn’t stand in the corner at demonic conventions drinking its stupid artisanal hellfire-infused craft beer—it’s definitely trying way too hard to be cool.
If you give birth to a beautiful half-demon baby and realize that being cool is just an arbitrary societal expectation that we place so much emphasis on, a fleeting ephemeral notion that has no meaning, and that maybe we should spend more time focussed on things that are tangible, like family, friends, and the broader demonic community, you’re honestly being, like, really, really lame.
If this new demonic world order gets a newer, demonic version of Instagram, it’s reached peak cool.
If your child—now a fifteen-year-old half-demon and super popular at android school—makes fun of you for not understanding the new Instagram, they’re probably really cool. You should be proud.
