Culture

How Do I Know If I’m Nonbinary?


 

For most of my life, I thought I knew who I was, but I could never shake this nagging feeling that I didn’t fit in, no matter where I went. I was constantly self-conscious, worried that someone would expose me as inauthentic, even though I couldn’t nail down why I felt so different from other people. Something within me felt incomplete, and whatever was missing was keeping me from feeling like a real human being. As I got into my mid-twenties and met more queer people across different spectrums, I realized that I connected with their experiences more than I expected, even though I still thought I was a straight, cisgender man.

I figured out that I’m pansexual late in 2016 after finally coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t just attracted to women and had crushes on all kinds of different people. With that, I felt more human, more comfortable with myself. But that didn’t complete the puzzle. I still felt weird, unfinished.

My breakthrough came in 2019. I run a local figure drawing group, and while modeling with a friend one night, I tried on a pair of her stockings — cute sheer thigh-highs with little bows on them. Something clicked: they just felt right to wear, and I looked great in them! Days later, I bought my own, and shortly after that, I started buying my first dresses and wearing them out. I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing, but I felt better than ever before. There was just one wrinkle: Being a man in a dress didn’t sound like who I was. I realized that being a man in general sounded wrong for me, and after some speculation and research, came to realize that I’m nonbinary. After that, I felt more complete.

Having figured these things out so recently, I’m still defining what nonbinary means to me. I feel like I’ve just started swimming out into a huge ocean, but the water feels perfect and I’m eager to explore. If you’re wondering if you might be nonbinary, here are some questions I grappled with before coming out.

Is there a difference between being nonbinary and being genderfluid, genderqueer, or otherwise?

This question can really make your head spin if you overthink it, but the answer varies from person to person. “Nonbinary” seems like the broadest term of the bunch, because it simply states that you are not solely male or female but something else. What is that something else? That may or may not intersect with other identities. Here’s a good list of various nonbinary identities from a Wikipedia site devoted solely to nonbinary gender identities, including plenty that I wasn’t aware of myself. They include identities like agender, bigender, and pangender. There are distinctive things about each one that make them more specific, and some of them overlap, so there can be wiggle room as well. If you think one of those identities fits you better, then go for it! It’s okay to change your mind later on. Finding out what doesn’t work for you makes it easier to determine what does.

How do I know I’m not a binary transgender man or transgender woman?

This was something I asked myself a few times before I came out as nonbinary. I knew I wasn’t a man, but I also decided I wasn’t a woman either, even with the dresses and heels. Your experience might be different. Also, some trans men and women identify as nonbinary, too. The key thing is this: If you decide you’re trans, nonbinary, or both, you are not locked into that identity forever! You may change your mind later on, and that’s fine! Again, think of gender identity as a big open space to explore — an ocean to swim around in.



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