“I have not been able to date due to my situation with my mom,” Chloë says. “I had a relationship with a girl my sophomore year of high school and when my mom saw us getting too close and figured out that we were more than friends, she made her feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome in our home. We did not tell anyone about our relationship and did not go out in public as a couple.”
Chloë says that being out isn’t necessarily “common,” though. “There are very few kids out at school,” she explains. “Close friends are always welcoming, but nobody broadcasts their sexuality due to the few people who are very conservative or say very gross things when you come out to them.”
So while our high school has slowly become at least slightly more welcoming to queer teens, the town’s conservative outlook is still spilling out into and soiling the environment. What I found interesting was that Chloë described a growing schism between the conservative culture of the town parents and their children, a divide that didn’t exist when I was growing up.
“Kids still definitely respect their parents, but now students are developing their own world views and opinions and not just going with what their parents tell them,” she says. However, she maintains that the town can feel claustrophobic, something I definitely remember feeling throughout my childhood and teenage years. “Since Mountain Lakes is such a small town, it feels like everyone is staring at you,” Chloë adds. “When you label yourself as ‘different,’ those eyes become even more apparent.”
What she said next broke me. I didn’t even have a grasp on my own queerness as a teen, but if I had, I imagine it would’ve went something like this: “I don’t feel as comfortable being so open about my sexuality around town. If I’m driving with the windows down listening to LGBT music, I will turn it down, roll up my windows, or even change my music because I’m scared of what people might think.”
A few years ago, I had a gutting conversation with my dad about what it would’ve been like had I known I was gay in high school. I know I would have kept it a secret, and I know it would have consumed me. He told me that, sadly, a part of him is relieved it took me so long to figure out, because he knew how hard things would have been for me at Mountain Lakes High School. Unfortunately, I agree with him; due to the homophobia I was steeped in, I’m not sure I would’ve survived.
Here’s where Chloë and I differ: Chloë has had a very turbulent time with her parents’ acceptance. She says she knew she liked girls when she was in 7th grade, but didn’t really come to terms with it or come out until her freshman year of high school. And when she told her mom, her mom insisted that she keep that part of her life private.
“I came out through an Instagram post over the summer one year,” Chloë tells me. “I have family in Canada I wanted to reach while also making a point to my mom that I wasn’t going to keep this private and I was proud of who I am. All my friends over Instagram were extremely supportive. When my mom saw the post she screamed at me to take it down and I shouldn’t be putting something like that out into the world. She told me I was weird and different and that this ruined my life. She said that No colleges would accept me and I would never get a job. That crushed me and has stuck with me forever. Now my mom just tries to forget that I’m bi. She tries to avoid the subject at any cost. It hurts. But it’s better than the screaming.”
