My first play, The Last Queen of Scotland, dealt with my family settling in Dundee after Idi Amin kicked all Indians out of Uganda when I was one. That story took me to places I had no control over. It will always be my love letter to the “Dee” for giving me a home. Now, Hindu Times is my Dundee raga to the Hindu gods. I wrote it with the support of Edinburgh’s Royal Lyceum and Creative Scotland at the Edinburgh fringe.
I knew from the start that the deities would deliver, and they did – they’ve got the gift of the gab, big time. The deities taught me that it’s all around you, if you want it, even in the scummiest places. You can see beauty in anything, it resonates in all walks of life. If that’s possible, you never know where it will come from next.
I wanted to explore the duality of man and how it manifests in what he loves and fights for. My family is from Porbandar, the same village as Mahatma Gandhi. I went back there and stood in Gandhi’s house with its portrait of his mother, her eyes steady, fixed on where he was born, with all the gods around. It made me recognise who my deities were growing up in Dundee – those folks in the schemes. This is where my spiritual home is, Scotland. It gave me the idea to bring the Hindu gods to Dundee.
In the play, Vishnu and Brahma arrive in the avatars of Dundee guys affectionately known as “minks”. They are incarnated into human form to save an Indian woman called Lakhi, AKA Lakshmi, who is on the brink. She has forgotten she’s a goddess. Vishnu, AKA Vince, is the consort of Lakshmi through all of time and eternity. Without her, he loses his auspicious strength. Their love is eternal and he’ll go anywhere to save her – even Dundee.
Once they hit Dundee they get distracted and decide to get on it. Brahma, AKA Brian, says they’re blue, and these tablets are blue, what could go wrong? The portal to get them back closes at midnight, so they need her to remember who she really is and take her back, restoring the balance of good and evil on Earth. Can these gods in the city help her? Can they save the Earth? Can they find the elixir of life?
The scene opens on a regular Saturday night. Lakhi is at a party and runs out of booze. All the shops are shut. She bumps into these two guys and tells them to help her get booze out of her “dad’s” shop, then breaks in inadvertently, on purpose. Locked in a Spar, their epic mission begins to restore balance on Earth and finally reunite Vishnu with his eternal consort Lakshmi.
Hindu Times
Opening scene
EXT. FLAT. DUNDEE. NIGHT.
Party noises
LAKSHMI, GODDESS, AKA LAKHI, INDIAN WOMAN, HUMAN – early 30s – shouts up to the window to various randoms
LAKHI Shut yer puss! Stop with the pelters. I’m going fir the bevvy! Chuck the lighter doon …
Voices from the party – general chat
LAKHI Lob it! What about the fag?
She catches the lighter in one hand
She rakes about for the fag and finds it, cleans fag off
Party noises quieten and we hear the sound of a bird
Cheeps and chirps
Long sliding whistle like a wolf whistle
She tries to light her fag without success
Chirping merging with wolf whistle
She turns startled
Lighter just keeps clicking without flame
Birdsong becomes louder as VINCE AKA VISHNU walks over and lights her fag
LAKHI What you doing here again? Havenae clapped eyes on you for ages?
VINCE We heard about the perty, wanted to see what you were up tae?
Noise in the bushes. BRAHMA AKA BRIAN appears after having a piss
LAKHI walks over to the Spar shop across the road. They follow
VISHNU He drunk it all, whole bottle of red wine in a oner
LAKHI In a oner, fucks sake are you ever goin wisen up?
BRAHMA Cerry out … cerry out (laughing)
VISHNU He had a quarter bottle of voddie as well. He gubs a’hin
BRAHMA Gubs – gaed een … – gubs
LAKHI I feel like panning yer pusses right in! Are you sayin that I’m a fuckin daftie? Are you? Who buys a quarter bottle of vodka?
BRAHMA Ahright dinnie harp on about it
LAKHI I’ll harp on about whatever the fuck I wanna harp on aboot and you will like it
BRAHMA Dinnie think so dingy (under his breath) Cerry oot … cerry out
She takes out a key
VISHNU It’s well after 10, you won’t get any cerry outs anywhere now
LAKHI Stop sayin “cerry oots” ah the time, it’s not helpin. I ken the licensing laws, and stop rehashing what we already ken. You rehashing shit like a bastard
EXT. SPAR SHOP. FRONT DOOR.
LAKHI This is my dad’s shop and I used to work here, so I just open the door with this key, take a bottle and leave money. I do it all the time
VISHNU I’m not sure about this
LAKHI Grow a set, it’s fine
BRAHMA That key … really?
They all look at the key with suspicion
LAKHI moves to the door and tries the key. It doesn’t work.
LAKHI It’s the key for the back door, I forgot
BRAHMA Oh right, yeah, the back door, right!
EXT. SPAR SHOP. BACK DOOR.
VISHNU There is no back door?
BRAHMA Obviously I mean obvs, I mean I ken. I ken! I fuckin ken!
LAKHI They musthav blocked it up. Look dinnie worry we can get in through the windee (points up to the window) I’ve done it before you just jimmy it open with this
LAKHI produces a bread knife
LAKHI Just give me hoistie up
VISHNU This is like breaking and entering
BRAHMA It’s not like it, it is … ken
LAKHI You two need to grow a set and get with it.
LAKHI is now perched on VISHNU’S shoulders and attempting to open the window. They start to do the hoist up. Lakshmi climbs in the window first. Then VISHNU goes through. Then VISHNU pulls BRAHMA up by his trousers. This takes a while. They fall into the shop.
INT. SPAR SHOP.
LAKHI Oh no!
VISHNU Whit? Whit?
BRAHMA Is that Strawberry Hubba Bubba?
LAKHI The latch is locked, shit!
VISHNU Meaning?
LAKHI Meaning if I jimmy it on the inside the alarm goes off and the cops will come and I’m on my last warning because Sheriff Rhubarb said that when I get put in front of him again I would be on my last warning cos of this, that and the next thing
VISHNU This is no yer dad’s shop then?
LAKHI Yeah it was in the 70s. I’m only kiddin on’, dinnie greet about it. It’s all a minor setback. Here neck these
LAKHI hands them blue ecktoes (E) and exits to the toilet
BRAHMA Let’s take these! I’m taking mine
VISHNU We’re not here for that. You’re forgetting the mission
BRAHMA But these are blue … it’s a sign … and we are blue so its ahright
BRAHMA takes his ecktoe with a voddie with red Cola
VISHNU You’re supposed to be helping me, that’s why I brought you, not getting on it
BRAHMA I am! I’m making sure you don’t catch yersel oot …
VISHNU Well calm down on your Dundunian. I don’t know where you learnt it cos you are over doing it, its no EH its Eehh (he pronounces in two different ways) We are not from Mid, we’re fae Lochee, can you mind that?
BRAHMA I ken fine whar I’m fae. She’s some lassie, I mean, come tae fuck, do you really wanna do this again?
VISHNU She’s the one
BRAHMA If she’s worth it then you need to step up … do something heroic.
