For guests flying from out of town for Mr. Norton’s smoked turkey and dulce de leche pumpkin pie, “travel is a snap” compared with November, he said. “There are still a lot of logistics, planning and stress involved, but if you put it into February, it’s an asset not a liability.”
For those who observe Friendsgiving in November, though, the stress remains. And, because people in their 20s and 30s have been the quickest to embrace the idea, Friendsgiving meals are often hosted by people who are relatively new to entertaining. This helps explain the rise of the rules and commandments, as well as Emily Stephenson’s decision to write “The Friendsgiving Handbook,” which Chronicle Books published in August.
Ms. Stephenson is the gentlest of rule-givers. Apologetically, she advises a spreadsheet to avoid redundancy if the meal will be a potluck. The year she failed to do this, the feast consisted of 12 salads and five pies.
Although Friendsgiving is “more casual” than Thanksgiving, she said, “you still need advice to pull off a dinner for eight-to-however-many people you’re having over. And a lot of Thanksgiving advice just doesn’t apply.” Articles about how to tell Aunt Marcia that nobody likes her green-bean casserole, for instance, are of limited relevance to the Friendsgiving host, given that avoiding Aunt Marcia is one of the points of the meal.
Not having to weather familial microclimates, in fact, seems to free up vast reserves of energy that enable Friendsgiving hosts to prepare meals that would otherwise be exhausting. Fans of the custom say they throw themselves into celebrations because it’s a chance for them and their chosen social group to invest meaning in a day with no prior significance.
“You’re not taking over from your mom,” Ms. Stephenson said. “You are kicking off this new tradition for your friends.”
Bri Lurie, an epidemiologist who lives in Brooklyn, has survived her share of Friendsgivings. With a group, she rented a house on Long Island one November, and calls the expense “the happiest money I spent all year.” She has also passed several Friendsgivings at the home of a friend whose cooking tends toward the goofily surreal, like hot queso flowing in a punch fountain, or lumpia filled with turkey, gravy, stuffing and cranberry sauce.
