JOHNSTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA (The Borowitz Report)—Brushing aside gloomy predictions, Donald J. Trump said that he would trounce Hillary Clinton in the November election.

“A lot of people don’t think I will beat Hillary, but they should prepare to be wrong,” he said. “I am about to beat her by a landslide.”

Offering a rationale for his prediction, Trump said, “As crooked as Hillary was in 2016, she is even crookeder now. Mike Pompeo is going to release her e-mails, and they’re a disgrace. We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on this.”

Claiming that he beat Clinton in their 2016 debates, Trump noted, “It’s no wonder that Hillary doesn’t want to debate me now. She knows I’d destroy her.”

Trump said that he is “very much looking forward” to the election, because it will give him a chance “to see Hillary crash and burn one more time.”

“When Election Night rolls around, as sure as you’re sitting there, absolutely no one will vote for Hillary Clinton,” he said.



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