Culture

Come on Down to Bad Apples Farm


It’s finally fall, and that means apple-picking season! So why not pay a visit to Bad Apples Farm? We’re open 24/7/365, depending on who you are.

OUR STORY

Bad Apples Farm is a three-hundred-acre family-operated farm that is keen on tradition. We are situated in a part of New York where you’re, like, “Wow, this is a lot of white people,” and, “Was that a Confederate flag?” Our main harvest is apples, of course. Nothing says New York more than an apple, the official state fruit.

Each year, thousands of families want—and even ​need—our apples. Our operating budget is six billion dollars because, to provide you with the best American apples you’ve ever had, it has to be.

OUR APPLES

We offer a wonderful variety of apple (red, mealy) every season. And, just to address the big, bad-apple-loving elephant in the room—yes, our apples are very bad. Hence the name.

Ultimately, the choice is yours. Are you going to let all these bad apples spoil the bunch of fun you’re going to have picking them? It’s autumn! This is the absolute best time to stroll—closely monitored—through our orchards and pick whichever apples we say you can.

Back to the apples—before you ask, yes, they’ve always been bad, and, no, it’s very unlikely that we’ll replant the whole crop. Do you know how much of your money we’d lose? (You do, because we said it before: billions, comma, six.)

It’s easier just to ​deal​ with them and understand that it’s part of the whole Bad Apples Farm experience! Besides, who else are you going to turn to when you’re, like, “Oh no, help! This pie attacked me!” Were some of our apples already in that pie? Yeah, probably. Everyone knows that’s what some of our apples do. They (our apples) are gonna look you right in the eye and say, “Well, why were you so close to the pie? You shouldn’t have looked suspicious like that.”

OUR BAKERY

Speaking of pies, we bake them right here on the premises with our very own bad apples, to eliminate cross-contamination. We also offer bad-apple-cider donuts, bad-apple strudel, candy bad apples, hot and cold bad-apple cider, and—surprise!—popcorn.

OUR OTHER ATTRACTIONS

  • Ride-along hayrides! The kids love ’em!
  • Scarecrows—in riot gear! The kids love ’em!
  • Militarized tractors! The kids shouldn’t touch ’em!
  • Petting zoo of bomb-sniffing animals! Only O.K. for “good” kids!
  • Cement corn maze! Safe even for “bad” kids!
  • Picnic clearing where your family can enjoy the beautiful fall foliage—from behind bulletproof glass!
  • Free parking—for fifteen minutes!

OUR LOCATIONS

Visit our other Bad Apples Farm outposts, conveniently situated everywhere from Los Angeles to Louisville to St. Louis to Denver to Chicago to Milwaukee to Dallas to Houston to Atlanta to Minneapolis to Seattle to Jacksonville to Miami to Kenosha—you can’t miss us! And we can’t wait to see (some of) you at Bad Apples Farm.



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