8 A.M. Good Morning, Campers!
Here at Camp Chickasaw, we like to wake up to a rhythmic cheer. In the absence of ten preteen children in a neighboring cabin screaming “Rise and shine!,” we encourage you to set your phone’s alarm to “bird sounds.”
Nothing beats that bleary-eyed morning trek through the woods to shower in your bathing suit with twenty-five other children and a large volume of daddy longlegs. To facilitate this beloved ritual remotely, we suggest that your parent or guardian hose you down in the yard with cold water.
9 A.M. Gather ’Round the Flagpole for “Taps”
By “gather ’round the flagpole,” we mean click the Zoom link we just e-mailed you. And by “morning ‘Taps’ ” we mean look in the chat for a GIF of a duck getting stuck in a trumpet. It’s really funny.
9:15 A.M. Breakfast
Your parent or guardian will scramble seven eggs with absolutely no taste. (See Zoom chat for “Tasteless Eggs” recipe.) Add as much ketchup as you want—this is camp! To simulate the deafening roar of a mess hall, we encourage you and your sibling to scream camp songs at the top of your lungs. (See Zoom chat for words to “Boom Chicka Boom.”)
10 A.M. Cabin Activity 1: Friendship-Bracelet Braiding
Proceed to your first activity with all your new best friends. Again, to clarify, by “proceed,” we mean to stay in the same chair you’ve been in for the past hour, and by “your new best friends,” we mean the blurry squares on your computer that may or may not contain children’s faces. If your stomach doesn’t hurt yet, eat two Snickers bars in rapid succession. If you don’t have access to that beautiful and elusive colored friendship-bracelet thread you’ve never seen sold in stores, you can use old rubber bands. Just put them around your wrist and—voilà! Friends forever!
11 A.M. Cabin Activity 2: Swimming
We know your bathing suit is still wet from your morning shower—we think it’s important that the rest of you is wet again as soon as possible. In the absence of a lake, fill an inflatable kiddie pool or a large bucket with more cold hose water and shiver in it for as long as possible. Then wrap yourself in a towel and give yourself a scratch tattoo while you wait for the other children to finish their merriment.
12 P.M. Lunch
Your parent or guardian will cook five hot dogs that you should eat in less than ten minutes. Wash them down with a colorful drink. (See Zoom chat for “Bug Juice” recipe. Hint: it’s just sugar, red food coloring, water, and more sugar.)
1 P.M. Siesta
Get in bed with another Snickers bar and a king-size bag of Peanut M&Ms. Write a letter to your parent or guardian in the next room and report how much fun you’re having at camp and/or how friendless, terrified, and cold you are.
2 P.M. Cabin Activity 3: Capture the Flag
See the Zoom chat for a link to a virtual game site. We really aren’t sure how this works and are hoping you kids can figure it out.
3 P.M. Cabin Activity 4: More Swimming!
We’re really trying here.
4 P.M. Free Time
Since you’re already wet, you may choose to use your free time to take the swim test, which will entitle you to gloating rights and even more swim time. In the absence of space to tread water or swim laps, the swim test will consist of standing on one leg while very cold.
You may also use your free time to gossip about other children via private chat, change your virtual background, put peanut butter and spiders in your sibling’s bed, practice your dance routine for the talent show, or cry alone in a tree/closet.
6 P.M. Dinner
Your parent or guardian will cook a pound of plain spaghetti. Fight your sibling for the parmesan. (See Zoom chat for words to “Down by the Bay.”)
7 P.M. Special Activity: Talent Show
Since you haven’t made any friends yet and probably everyone thinks you’re a weirdo loner, this is your big opportunity to show them all that you’re talented and cool. Put on culottes, a sparkly tankini top, and oversized sunglasses and sit anxiously in your bedroom through an hour and a half of violin solos. When it’s your turn, make sure your laptop’s camera is well angled and perform the two counts-of-eight you remember from last summer’s hip-hop dance class with Ms. Allison over and over to the entirety of Janet Jackson’s “Nasty.” You are a star.
9 P.M. Cabin Fireside
Gather ’round the campfire/GIF we just added to the chat of Elmo juggling flames. You can “roast” marshmallows in your toaster oven, or just spoon white sugar directly into your mouth. Today’s question for the group is: What’s the first thing you look forward to doing when this nightmare is over? Once everyone has shared/cried publicly, see Zoom chat for words to “The Circle Game.” Bond over all you have in common with those sweet, blurry faces.
10 P.M. Lights Out
In the quiet and dark of your bedroom, reflect on all the new friends and memories you’re making. There will only be [unknown number] more days like this. Don’t forget to savor every moment.
