Ask Kim Kierkegaardashian is an advice column by a mashup of the nineteenth-century existentialist philosopher Søren Kierkegaard and the reality star and fashion maven Kim Kardashian West. Are you suffering an existential crisis? Vexed about what to wear? Send your questions to kimkierkegaard1@gmail.com (or address them to @kimkierkegaard on Twitter). Questions may be edited for clarity and length.
Dear Kim Kierkegaardashian,
My boyfriend is an essential worker, while I’m a keyboard jockey and able to work remotely. Our friends have decided to exercise caution, so we’ve not been seeing them. This means that my boyfriend’s social-interaction meter overflows daily at work, while I have spiralled into loneliness and despair within the confines of my apartment, where I live alone. The worst part is, he’s become disengaged, as though he doesn’t care to see me.
My guy has always been adoring in the past—good about giving me unexpected gifts and surprising me—so I know that he knows how to show affection. I’ve been very clear with him about how my needs can be met, but he thinks I’ve just become needy (whereas, in fact, I’m living in a city that I never thought I’d stay in, because of him). My guess is that he is stretched very thin, but, in true fifties-dad fashion, he won’t admit to being overwhelmed.
Before the pandemic, I wouldn’t mind several days to myself to recharge and create, so it’s particularly confounding to be this person who’s reached the edge of what I can do alone. I’ve made a serious effort to spend more time talking to girlfriends and picking old projects back up. But I want my sweet, adoring man back, and I don’t want to set a precedent in our relationship that it’s O.K. to check out and not depend on each other.
Is this just a quarantine thing? Or am I giving CPR to a dying relationship? Kim, I’m so scared to lose him that I’m writing to a comedic advice column.
Signed,
Emotionally Distanced Social Distancer
Dear Emotionally Distanced,
Before this pandemic, I used to love spending long hours alone in my study, poring over the Old Testament and back issues of Vogue—happy in the knowledge that my household staff of seventy-three was waiting on the other side of the door, for whenever I needed company. These days, the mansion is quieter. I find myself having to take selfies without even a lighting technician or wardrobe stylist—a challenging exercise in relating to myself through my own self.
Pandemic isolation is tough, even for us natural loners, because it’s compelled and long-lasting, like a juice cleanse that never ends. In your case, the juice cleanse is made worse by a boyfriend who has started hoarding his emotional superfood and attention antioxidants.
Why is this happening? Some people enjoy company in times of stress (I always try to bring a friend to high-stakes meetings or painful waxings), but others tortoise up. Withdrawing into himself, even while you seek his attention, might be bae’s way of exerting control in the face of chaos. In fact, each of your reactions might be making the other’s worse—like when I bought my B.F.F. a Gulfstream for Christmas, totally blanking on the fact that she’s afraid to fly, so she bought me a Bentley, somehow forgetting my endorsement deal with Maybach.
Will your relationship get back its usual glam when normal life resumes? Let’s not simply wait it out, because that’ll take too long. Besides, this Fyre Festival of a year is life; crazy, unexpected messes are just as real as the quiet times. And you want your boo to be your ride-or-die during the shitty festivals of life, not just by your side to watch Beyoncé from the V.V.I.P. booth at Coachella.
Here’s the upside of chaos: it strips away the veil of illusion that shrouds existence and reveals the naked reality of things—giving you and B.B. a chance to finally get your naked reality into swimsuit shape. You’ve already got a great start on your workout-and-diet plan, by clearly stating your needs. Try to find low-stress moments to encourage your man to discuss what you’re both going through. The fifties-dad look is great when it means cool fedoras, but not when it entails a refusal to open up with one’s cutie. You’ve made a lot of compromises in this relationship—staying in a second-choice city, giving your man lots of space. Can he acknowledge this, and talk about how or when he can give you what you need in return?
I know from experience that times of stress take a painful toll on relationships. But if you can build a bridge of calm communication, you might end up coming out of this with a timeless new look.
Whether or not this works, now is the time for you to do an existential detox. Glance into the terrifying void you refer to as being “so scared to lose him.” What is it, precisely, that scares you so? Is it losing your active love for the actual person he is? Or is it a fear of Gulfstreaming solo through this pandemic and through life—of having to live with, and love, yourself?
Fear and anxiety are in the air all around us these days. No P.P.E. can protect us from them. It’s tempting, in our dread, to cling hard to what’s familiar. But taking control of fear gets rid of wrinkles and dark under-eye circles, preparing your face for any look you decide to put on. Remember that our deepest loneliness is something no boyfriend can assuage, however brainy, buff, or Grammy-winning he may be. It can only be lessened in the luxury spa called love of self.
So don’t let fear make you forget the person you are, Emotionally Distanced. Your desires and dreams extend beyond this moment, and even beyond this relationship. Many people may lose many things before this pandemic is over, but your private jet will make a safe landing so long as you don’t lose yourself.
XOXO
Kim Kierkegaardashian
