Culture

Angela Chen’s "Ace" Challenges Us All to Reframe How We Talk About Sex


I really liked the chapter where you wrestled with the idea of consent and a “good enough” reason to say no to sex. Can you talk a little about that section and the ways in which consent is not always as simple as yes or no in a society that operates on compulsory sexuality?

Compulsory sexuality is the idea that all normal people want and desire sex, that everyone has this baseline level of sexual desire. If you assume that everyone has that baseline, then when they say no for seemingly no reason, then it seems like they’re being mean to you or they’re being withholding or they are denying you something, right? Because if the reasons are like, I’m sad or you’re not a good partner or things are stressful, those seem like good reasons. But if you can’t point to what seems like a good reason, then compulsory sexuality makes you think, they don’t love me or they don’t care about this relationship, and that could create all kinds of relational problems. But the truth is not everyone has that baseline of sexual desire. And for many people they don’t want to because they don’t want to.

That’s very hard for many people to accept. I’ve spoken to many aces, both for the book and privately, and they say there’s this sense that they can’t say no forever. Maybe they can say no this time. Maybe they’re on their period and they can say no. Maybe it’s long distance, but there’s the sense that they at some point they owe sex to their partner. And I simply don’t believe that’s true. And I think most aces do not believe that is true. If we think that no one should have unwanted sex with a stranger, we should also believe that no one should have unwanted sex with a partner, even if their partner is great. And of course you always have to caveat by saying the partners are allowed to have their own boundaries. I think it’s fine if the partner says that not having sex is a deal breaker for them, but that’s their personal deal breaker. It’s not that the lower-desire partner is broken. I think many people, not just aces, feel coerced and like they are not allowed to say no, that no alone is not a good enough answer.

Because sex is, as you write, part of a maturity narrative, I as an ace person sometimes feel infantilized, and worry that I’m seen as a “safe” or “innocent” person. Do you have thoughts like that? What kind of things do you do to combat that internalized acephobia?

Yes, I definitely do have experiences like that. And I’ve talked to a lot of people who have had similar experiences. For example, I was recently writing an article about a three parent family in which it’s basically a straight couple who are co-parents with someone who is asexual. And when I was telling people of the article, a lot of people were like, “Oh, that sounds so great. I’m too jealous to be in a poly relationship, but it would be great to have this asexual third.” And there was nothing really wrong with saying that, but something about that rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed very infantilizing, like this person could never be a threat. And I think implicit in that idea that this person could never be a threat is the idea that sexual infidelity or sexual jealousy is the greatest threat that there could be. Not that we should be threatened by others, but it’s funny how aces are often infantilized, even though aces who are not aromantic can still be an emotional threat.

But there are many interesting ways in which I think being asexual has affected how other people see me. I noticed that my friends tend to talk to me about sex less than they used to. And sometimes when they do they’ll preface it by saying something like, we don’t have to talk about this, if you’re uncomfortable. A part of me will be like, we’ve been friends for longer than I’ve identified as ace. We used to talk about sex all the time in college in graphic terms. I’m not different. I’m not made uncomfortable by sex just because I identify differently. I’m not any more repulsed by it than I used to be..



READ NEWS SOURCE

This website uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you accept our use of cookies.