WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Adam Kinzinger is thrilled that he will no longer be invited to his cousins’ Thanksgiving, the Illinois Republican has confirmed.

Speaking to reporters, Kinzinger said that he had been trying to get out of going to his relatives’ “excruciating” festivities for years, but was never able to devise a successful strategy for doing so.

“I thought maybe I could claim I had a work thing, or the stomach flu, but everything I came up with seemed too obvious,” he said. “Little did I know that protecting and defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced.”

Kinzinger said that he had not yet decided how he would spend the hours that had been freed up by his ostracism from Thanksgiving. “Maybe I’ll binge-watch Netflix or get to some of the books that have been piling up on my nightstand,” he said. “Who knows? A whole new world is opening up for me.”

Reflecting on his unexpected liberation from Thanksgiving, the congressman said, “You’ll never hear me say a bad thing about cancel culture. Cancel culture has been super good to me.”


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