It’s happening again. It’s that time of year where we gather around a table, be it among family or friends, to subtly insult each other’s cooking and have terse conversations about politics. As a fan of drama in all its forms, I personally enjoy the holidays. But as an advice columnist, I’m also aware of all the unique family dynamics that can make them a living hell for many LGBTQ+ people.
I tend to get asked a few common questions around the holidays: How do I put up with my homophobic relatives? How do I cope with having to be back in an environment where people knew me before I came out/transitioned/identified a certain way?
Well, fear not, because I’ve assembled a handy survival guide for queers who are drawing up a strategy to cope with being back home for the holidays. Are you ready? I’m not either, but let’s make like turkey dinner and get this over with.
Quickly Identify Queer and Queer-Adjacent Allies
These include: ambiguously lesbian aunts, Gen Z cousins who haven’t yet learned hatred, family dogs, cats (feral or otherwise), etc. I will not hear about how “queer-adjacent” isn’t really a thing. I know it’s not but there’s no church in the wild. This is about survival, not politics. Find them. Cling to them.
Fabricate an Alternate Identity Then Stick to It
The holidays are chiefly about deceit and dissociation. When your nosy relatives ask about your life, tell them that you’ve since become a mariner and your life belongs to the sea now, rendering their question irrelevant. Scowl through dinner, as if you resent having to stand on solid ground.
Violently Redirect Any and All Conversation Back to the Food Somehow
Bon Appetit has prepared you well for this moment: if someone gets a little too intrusive about things you’d rather not divulge, say something like, “I wasn’t sure Carla Lalli Music of Bon Appetit could make crispy potatoes work as a holiday side but now that I’ve tried it myself I’m fully on board.” Say this even if their last question was, “Who is Slayyyter, and what happened to your mom’s holiday playlist from last year?”
Honestly? Stay Home and Bake a Pie for Your Friends
This is fine. If you, like many LGBTQ+ people across the country, are being expected to put yourself in a place where you know you’ll be subjected to being misgendered or homophobia, then entertain the idea that maybe they don’t deserve your presence. Here is a wonderful recipe for sweet potato pie.
Keep Your AirPods in and Yell At an Imaginary Business Foe When Things Get Tense
Life isn’t easy when you’re a successful business queer, but that’s exactly what you are, and sadly you have little time to spare for chit-chat with “blood relatives.” Who are you talking to on the phone? “Really gotta close on this one,” you will say. “Boss will be so pissed if I don’t.” I don’t know what “close” means in a business sense, and neither do you, but that’s fine.
Maintain Your Support Network
Okay, that was all very fun, but the reality of the situation is that being around people who make you feel worse about yourself (regardless of their intentions) is a difficult thing to endure. Let some of your close friends know about your situation and let them know you might be reaching out if things get overwhelming. Reminding yourself of your identity outside the context of people who may not “see you” as you are can help you get through this brief, frustrating window of time.
Remember Your Progress Isn’t Going Anywhere
Even if you love your family dearly and the holidays are “fun,” it can still be stressful to put yourself back in an environment that reminds you of the version of yourself before you came out or realized who you were. It can put you back in your old shoes and make you feel like you’re that person all over again. But it’s important to remember that progress doesn’t work like that. Your hard work isn’t being erased. You’re just in a challenging space. So try to put those fears to bed, accept that being “home” can be confusing and anxiety-inducing, and make yourself a second plate. You’re going to be just fine.
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