It took me nearly two years, a global pandemic, and the prospect of spending an unknowable amount of time quarantined in close proximity to my parents to finally confront them about their habit of misgendering me. I sent a long text. I held nothing back. It was brutal — two years’ worth of don’t call me thats rolled into one six-inch blue chunk of fuck you.
They’re not transphobic, I told myself. They just forget sometimes. Besides the slip-ups, they’re good, considerate, caring folks, I’d think. Dad proofread my papers even when he had no idea what I was saying. Mom went on long walks with me when my heart had broken in ways she could never fully understand.
But last week, when it was announced that New York, where I live, would likely be going into lockdown mode, I realized two things: First, that no matter how good their intentions might be, my parents’ glacial approach to using my pronouns was unacceptable; second, that if I was going to wait this out with them, I needed to explain as much. Enough was enough.
In a second message, I asked that they not respond to my first. Live in this for a while, I told them. Reflect — really reflect — on what it means for your child to tell you that they don’t feel seen by you. And they did. I am grateful that my parents took my words to heart. For this I am lucky — and for so much more: To feel secure enough at home to call out one’s parents or guardian is an immense privilege, one that cannot be appreciated enough during this deeply uncertain moment.
As queer folks around the world adjust to the realities of life under quarantine, there will no doubt be members of our community who are forced to spend daunting amounts of time among family members, roommates, and others who question and even downright reject their identities. Many may not feel safe sending a text like I sent to my parents. Thankfully, there are other strategies for coping, including many that do not require any kind of confrontation.
Below, with help from both queer therapists and experts in crisis management from The Trevor Project, we’ve compiled a guide for enduring isolation within a non-affirming environment. As the therapist Laura A. Jacobs tells them., “Your family may not like who you are, they may not accept who you are, they may not even know who you are… but you still are who you are.”
Tell Those You’re Quarantining With How You Feel
This certainly does not have to mean sending an aggressive text message, like I did — though it can, if that’s something you feel comfortable doing. It worked for me, but as Gianna DiGiovanni, a Crisis Services Manager at The Trevor Project, reminds, “There is a lot of advice and guidance floating around right now and it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience is different — trust yourself and your truth.”
If a less abrupt mode of confrontation sounds safer for you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a gentler kind of conversation. “Nobody deserves to feel uncomfortable in their own home, but making changes when that is happening can be easier said than done,” advises Dr. Alexis Chavez, Medical Director for The Trevor Project. “I think that patience and empathy tend to go a long way. Providing information to people you live with (about names, pronouns, etc.), opening up dialogue, offering resources can all be helpful.”
Share a Helpful Article or Video
