Culture

30% of Gay Men Are in Open Relationships, According to New Study


 

A new report suggests that about a third of gay men are in open relationships. In a poll of 517 gay men conducted in December, the San Francisco-based Gay Therapy Center found that 30 percent were not strictly monogamous with their partners.

As the Gay Therapy Center noted on its website, those results showed the rate of open relationships among gay men to be somewhat lower in previous studies, which had previously suggested that “about 50% allow for sex outside of the relationship.” That figure likely comes from a 2010 survey of 556 gay male couples conducted by San Francisco State University showing that half were not fully monogamous, while a study from Hunter College in 2013 found that 42% of partnered gay men were either in open relationships or “monogamish.”

According to the Gay Therapy Center study, about 42% of gay men in open relationships tell their primary partners about other sexual contacts that they have, while 33% operate under a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

The most common policies reported by respondents were that they only have sex with other people outside of the home, they only have sex with other people when their primary partner is present, or they only have sex with other people when they have discussed the encounter with their potential partner first.

Adam Blum, founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, raised some concerns about those latter findings.

“When partners attempt to hide their sexual contacts, it can lead to lying, which is almost always destructive,” he said in a statement accompanying the report. “Even if both partners are in agreement about the guidelines of the open relationship when the lie is discovered, it is often deeply painful for the couple.”

Writing on the organization’s site, Blum laid out several guidelines for a happy, stable open relationship.

“Talk about it openly with your partner,” Blum said, adding that individuals in an non-monogamous relationship should also remember to value their long-term partner and to “tell each other how much you love each other, how deeply committed you are to the partnership, and how glad you are to see him.”

Blum also placed importance on listening to each others’ needs and sticking to guidelines established for the relationship. They can always be renegotiated if they’re not working, but that requires communication, he said.

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The findings also raise questions about the best way to introduce openness to an existing relationship, particularly if it’s a feature that’s of interest to only one partner.

“For many guys, a three-way is the most comfortable way to begin exploring sexual experiences that involve other men,” Blum said. “If, over time, your partner starts to show curiosity in a three-way, you’ll be given an important opportunity. You can increase the chances that he’ll continue to be interested in future sexual experimentation if you take good care of him during that experience.”

But it’s important to keep in mind that not everyone wants an open relationship, he added. Exploring the possibility — even if it’s just in conversation — could always result in a deeper intimacy with a monogamous partner. It could also reveal the relationship has run its course.

“If couples have learned the skill of being able to talk about anything with their partner in a way that brings them closer together, then they are in good shape,” Blum concluded. “If they haven’t yet learned the art of managing difficult conversations, then their open relationship may be at risk for break up and painful disappointment.”

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