“I recommend doing this solo, and having whoever else do their own, and then compare,” says Papale. “Sometimes there can be more pressure to put things in certain categories when someone is doing it with you?”
How do you decide what goes in which column? Papale says that “‘yeses’ are things you want all the time, things that really feel good and get you off.” Anything on the “no” list is “non-negotiable,” Papale explains, “no way do you want these things to happen.”
“‘Maybes’ are a little more nuanced,” adds Papale. “Maybes can be things that you only like to do with certain partners, scenarios, moods, etc. — or [they can be] things you haven’t personally experienced but maybe want to try.”
Spend solo time figuring out what feels best…
Making a list isn’t the only preparation you can do on your own; you can also take a hands-on approach. “When alone, get to know your body and how it feels by touching erotic spots and listening to your response and how it sounds,” says Sage Williams, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Just notice how it makes you feel good. Continue to explore your body and what feels good and what doesn’t.”
Then find out what feels best during partnered sex.
After you’ve learned some lessons from solo time, get together with a partner to gather more information about “what feels good and what doesn’t,” Williams advises, recommending that you “take turns touching each other’s bodies to find out what feels good.”
“Make a game out of it,” he recommends. “Incorporate props, videos, cameras, etc. to get comfortable with how your body feels, moves, and sounds, and how all of that feels with your partner.”
As you find things that give you pleasure, try to zero in on the feeling. “If you and your partner can focus on how your sensation feels in your body, you may be able to stay away from the dysphoria that comes to mind,” says Williams.
Experiment with new ways of interacting with familiar parts.
Part of the reason why dysphoria can crop up in a sexual context is because genitals and other erogenous areas have all sorts of cultural and gendered norms imposed on them. You might be under the impression that there are only certain acceptable ways to touch certain parts.
“We’re socialized to believe that we’re supposed to pleasure bodies differently depending on anatomy,” Tanner observes, “but it’s far more helpful to pleasure bodies differently depending on gender.”
But even if your body doesn’t look or feel how you want it to look, you can still be touched in the way you want to be touched, as Tanner explains: “There’s no reason we have to touch a chest differently simply because it has more tissue. There’s no reason we can’t use a vibrator on a penis or give a hand job to a clitoris.” Society doesn’t get to decide how you get pleasured; you do.
Try “outercourse.”
Dysphoria can be especially intense when we’re naked. Fortunately, you don’t have to be in your birthday suit to experience sexual pleasure with a partner.
“Does keeping your clothes on make you feel better?” Lore asks. “Then do that. There are tons of ways to enjoy ‘outercourse’ — such as dry humping, hand jobs, toy usage, and more — that don’t require you to get any more naked than you’re comfortable getting. Does wearing your binder make you feel better? Then keep it on! Using clothing or accessories that feel affirming and empowering is absolutely acceptable.”
Tanner echoes this advice. “Some transmasculine and nonbinary folks prefer to leave a T-shirt on, for example,” they say.
Try out new terminology.
Just because cisgender people use certain words to describe body parts doesn’t mean we have to be so particular. Using more affirming language is easy. You can call your anatomy anything you want — and ask a partner to do the same. We’ve been culturally conditioned to believe that bodies are either male or female, with a vast biological gulf between them, when the reality of human development is more nuanced, as Tanner explains.
